Phone sex— The How and Why

I remember having phone sex for the first time when I was a teenager. My partner had been sweet and safe and dirty with his texts in all the ways that I liked, and although I wasn’t ready for IRL sex yet, I loved the image of getting intimate with him one day and I could not wait for him to hear all about it.

On one of our usual check-in phone calls (the relationship was somewhat long-distance at the time), we wound up talking about the last time we kissed and how much we missed being able to do that more often. The conversation slowly grew into a chat on other forms of physical and sexual intimacy we wished we could share and before I knew it, it had been nearly half an hour of us discussing in vivid detail, the connection we wished to build physically.

It was hot, it was safe, and it was so freeing to be able to do this without having to actually have sex before I was ready. Both of us felt so in control of the conversation, we even discovered just how similar our wants and fantasies were long before we wound up trying any of them out in person.

By the time we met, there was already so much anticipation and excitement because we knew what the other person wanted. And over the years, as I explored relationships with several other partners, I learned that phone sex had played a crucial role in building my sexual confidence.

Here’s how you can explore phone sex and use it as a method of finding your persona and building your confidence too:

1. Discuss the possibility of phone sex beforehand and build a lingo and a process that has your consent as well as your partner’s

This one is a no-brainer. You cannot possibly engage in phone sex without consent. If the act is in fact unplanned, seek consent within that phone call itself before you say anything explicit or sexual. By asking your partner what they would like to hear or how they would like to have phone sex with you, you are likely to have a more natural and easygoing segue into phone sex anyway!

2. Set the mood

Treat it like an IRL date or event and dress for the mood or wear something comfortable. Wear the accessories your partner bought you, or that underwear they really like, and you’ll have something to talk about even if describing sexual acts feels too daunting or intimidating to get into.

3. Keep scripts/lines ready if you are nervous

Phone sex doesn’t have to be entirely spontaneous. You can also plan some of the conversation beforehand, and write down lines or parts of your fantasy that you want to make sure you share with your partner. Planning in advance may also let you stick to language that both of you had agreed upon, so no one hears or says anything that feels unsafe or triggering.

 
4. Send photos or videos beforehand to drive them wild

Worried about not having much to say? Send them a video or a picture of yourself so you have something to talk about on the call!

 
5. Use memories and porn as guidance for what you say/ describe

You can also talk about something hot you did together in the past, or the last time you had sex, and that too could turn into a sensual call on what you wish you were doing to each other right then.

 
6. Don’t be afraid of describing what you are up to in real time

Don’t forget— your partner is already attracted to you. They want you, more of you, whenever and wherever they can. Lean into that. Tell them what you’re wearing, tell them what your hands are doing, describe the bed, the music you’re playing, the room you’re in, the way your body looks in that light or in that position. Tell them where you wish they were in that room or what you wish their hands were doing, and your natural rhythm in conversation will take over and guide you through the rest of the call.

 
7. Accept the awkward pauses, the laughs, the silliness of it all

What sex doesn’t have some awkward and embarrassing moments in it? You may mishear each other, or have network issues, or accidentally sneeze in the middle of a really sexy line, and that’s okay too! Silliness is a normal part of sex, and it’s best to just embrace that.

 
8. Check in

Remember to ask your partner what they thought of it, and tell them what you thought of the call too. This will help both of you understand if you ever want to do it again or if there’s something you’d like to change.

Just like any good sex, feedback goes a long way.