Fingering

I remember the first time I explored fingering. I wasn’t sure what it would feel like to penetrate myself and I was too afraid to try. But Eminem’s oddly graphic songs had already introduced me to the word ‘clitoris’ back then, so I knew exactly where my focus needed to be.

From working with no lube to turning into the kind of person who can now confidently teach partners how to finger me in bed, bathrooms, theaters, cars, while seated or while standing… here are some basic tips to fingering your consenting partner and learning to have the hand game of their dreams.

Communication and Consent

This is a no-brainer but needs emphasising anyway. Not everyone wants to be fingered, and a lot of people may change their minds once you begin because the sensation may not feel right or because the clitoris starts to feel sensitive.

Take their feedback or requests with grace. Sex isn’t about how much you already know, it’s about how gracefully you accept feedback or react to criticism and learn from it.

Set the Scene

Fingering can be raunchy, dirty, erotic, sensual, romantic, passionate, and anything else that you and your partners want it to be. But being on different pages about the mood you both are in, can also easily ruin the moment. Figure out the headspace that you and your partners are in, and set the scene accordingly.

It doesn’t have to mean candles or roses. But keep the lights on and maintain steady eye contact if that’s what you both crave. Stand behind them and finger them in front of a mirror if that’s the type of intimacy and play you both feel like. But pay attention to the mood you’re in.

Tease and Delight

Begin your adventure with external stimulation. Using lubricated fingers, preferably in a condom or glove to maximise safety for all of you. 

Caress and tease your partner's most sensitive zones—the clitoris, the anal rim, or the perineum. Explore different pressures and rhythms and be open to changing your style based on your partner’s reactions.

The "Come-Hither"

Gently insert one or two fingers into the vagina or anus and beckon the G-spot or the prostate with this delightful technique. 

Remember we all have curved vaginal canals and anal canals, so don’t push your finger/s straight in. Keep them loose and let your partner’s internal muscles guide you in the direction you need to move in.

Circle Spins

Use circular motions to caress and stimulate your partner internally. This will increase the radius of play and draw attention to the parts around the G-spot and prostate.

It also creates a feeling of fullness and more girth even if you insert only one or two fingers.

Embrace The Depth

As you venture deeper into the realm of pleasure, remember that each partner's comfort is paramount. 

Communicate openly and let their responses guide you on this journey of exploration. Take your time and savour each moment.

Worship the Clit

Honour the clitoris, always. Use your index and middle finger for insertion and play with the clit using your thumb, your other hand or amp up your play with your tongue.

Mindful Presence

Sexual play can be incredibly revealing of how present both of you really feel in your minds, bodies or environments. It’s never a personal failing if you find yourself dissociated during sex. 

But if intimacy and bonding is something you seek to some extent, it might help to find ways to be present during sex and to be with partners who feel present when they touch you and communicate with you.