Period Sex

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of period care for a partner?

I think of the countless lemonades and massages one of my boyfriends used to give me. Or the time a girlfriend heard me say that I wished I could inject chocolate straight into my veins to stop the period cravings, and how she showed up at my door with a tiny syringe filled with chocolate.

Despite all the external support I received for my pain, my brain fog and gloom, there was an element of shame and disgust that followed me every month as I bled. The blood, I was told, was disgusting. The stains were an embarrassment. The smell was atrocious. Being a heavy bleeder only made me feel worse.

Of course that made me feel like avoiding my partners entirely. I said no to sex around my period for years, out of fear that the tiniest hint of fresh or old blood in my discharge would alarm or disgust my partners. And most of them did exactly that. When I mentioned being on my period, sex was silently but mutually taken off the table.

Until one of my partners responded with, “So?” “What do you mean, ‘so’?” “I mean if you’re in pain or not in the mood, I absolutely understand. But it sounds more like you’re worried about me seeing blood, which isn’t a problem for me”.

He lay down some towels under me and gently undressed me as I smiled shyly. After all these years of excusing myself to masturbate in the shower so I could relieve my cramps and migraines without my partners knowing, here was a partner who… wanted to relieve that pain for me himself? It made no sense.

Sanitary pads often chafe my skin and leave my clit and vulva feeling extremely tender. I needed gentle contact. As he slipped on a non-latex condom and used a dollop of lube to finger me, the horror of bleeding on him slowly faded away and turned into confusing waves of pleasure.

The closer he held me, the less I could tell the difference between the lube and my blood. His moans and my heavy breathing were all I could hear and I began to forget about the blood altogether. As I finally orgasmed and waited for him to climax too, my body felt relaxed and energised and all I could see was a man so deeply attracted to me that even a mess couldn’t deter him.

As he finally slid off of me and made his way to the bathroom, I looked at the blood on my towels and felt a strange excitement. I hadn’t bled out in ‘shame’ or by accident this time. I bled out on purpose, in pure ecstasy, intimacy and desire.

And I loved every moment of it. As I watched my partner wash my blood off of him, I felt even closer to him but also to myself. There is so much intimacy in accepting your body for what it is, and not just what it can be on its best days. And to have friends, partners, lovers or companions who revel in all of its messy glory too, is life-changing. For those of you who may be interested in period sex, here’s what you need to consider and keep in mind.

Consent

The sight of blood can be upsetting. Most of us only see it when there has been an injury and when combined with sexual acts, it can be triggering. Check if you are comfortable with seeing your own blood on that particular occasion. Ask your partner if they are okay with it too. Sometimes the answer will be no, and that’s okay.

Communication

What are your preferred positions? You can have sex on the floor where the tiles will be easier to clean, you can do it in the shower, or even use the bed for proper support. But communicating before, during and after to make sure all of you are comfortable throughout the session, will make the process easier, safer and more painless.

Protection

Use protective barriers to minimise the exchange of bacteria and reduce irritation, chafing, friction and reduce the risk of pregnancies. Gently wash with warm water and let yourself pee after sex if your body asks for it. Avoid oil-based lubes that may not wash off easily and may linger on your skin for longer.

Stay flexible

Consent is a constant process. Do not be afraid to say you need to pause or stop altogether. Be cognisant of the fact that your partner/s may also change their mind halfway and ask to pause or stop. It doesn’t make you or your blood disgusting, it just means that you and your partners need a moment to recalibrate and reassess your mood or thresholds.

Embrace the mess

All the towels, planning and careful posing in the world cannot prevent the occasional bloodstain. Be open to the possibility of having to wash some linens after you have sex. Some of your blood may get on your partner’s hands and make a mess on your thighs, waist, neck, back or even your face. It happens.

Aftercare

You and your partners may need a moment to climb down from the endorphin rush of the sex you just had. Ask your partner how you can offer them care and help them feel grounded again. If the sensations and visuals were too much, ask them to provide you with water, a snack, a massage, some forehead kisses or some space— depending on what you like and what they can provide.

Seeking intimacy and connection while also trying to police your body (or your partner’s) is almost counterintuitive. There will be coughs, sneezes, yawns, muscle cramps, aches, dissociative moments, dryness, numbness, limpness, and more.

For those of us who bleed, there will sometimes be blood. But pleasure and intimacy cannot be controlled, perfected, policed or scheduled. Sometimes, a mess is exactly what you need to see just how beautiful you are.