The Massage That Led Me To Anal Play

As someone who grew up around constant conflicts, my body has never really learnt to lower its guard. My system is always alert and despite being sure of my love or attraction to partners, my muscles are always tense. What good is my filthy mind and its dirty little fantasies if I tense up the moment it’s time to test out all those acts with another person?

My mind takes over my body  when I want to try new kinks or sexual acts. Will my partner be present enough to control their own actions and pace? Will they notice little changes in my body language or breathing that can be signs of distress or discomfort? Will they be able to stop in time? Before I hurt something? Before my body learns not to trust again?

In trauma-focused therapy, they teach you a mindfulness tool called Body Scans. You focus gently on your breath and move your focus from one body part to another to observe signs of numbness, tightness or even pain.

The idea is that trauma can affect the link between your mind and body, preventing you from noticing distress in your body. You may not notice how long your fists have been clenched, or how you keep grinding your teeth, or how you haven’t eaten anything for a while.

It could also disconnect you from your environment, leaving you more vulnerable to mental, emotional and physical flashbacks that hijack your system and deprive you of a connection to reality. But body scans through breathing aren't always easy either. I struggle with keeping my eyes closed, and focusing too much on my breath inevitably leads to thoughts too dark to handle on my own.

When I would play alone, I would fantasize about anal play. I would use a finger while masturbating by myself, but any time I’d try to recreate the act around partners, my muscles would clench involuntarily no matter what my brain said. All of this changed when my boyfriend offered to massage me.

There was no sexual plan at the time, he simply wanted to pamper me after we had been apart, and I said yes. If any partner was going to get me to feel safe and relaxed, it was going to be this one.

What started out as a tender neck massage, slowly led to a shoulder and back massage. His hands weren’t just moving down my body with no purpose, they were carefully picking up on every tense muscle in my body and kneading the stress away. I felt myself wishing his hands would wander to more parts of my body, but it wasn’t just because I was aroused from his presence. It was also because I felt relaxed enough to give him more control.

We had talked about trying anal play for a while, but my body had never felt ready. Finally on that night, his touch made me feel present. And as I felt his hands carefully exploring every inch of me, I could tell he was present too.

As his hands went to my ass, I grabbed our lube and brought out our butt plug. With my entire body relaxed and my mind in a steady place, it felt so much easier to stay calm and allow my body to experience a new sensation. The plug gave me a little pinch at first, but I calmly changed positions and added more lube until I found the right angle to take it in.

The pressure felt great, I loved the fullness, and the new sensations did not overwhelm or stress my body out at all. I stayed in control even as I took the plug out and felt the strange new feeling of it move out of me, and despite my boyfriend’s clear arousal and excitement, he seemed calm and controlled too. It felt so good, to just…trust.

To trust my body to say no or ask for a pause whenever it needed. To trust my partner to step back, slow down, or do as I ask. Without getting too carried away or distracted to hear my responses and signals.

A lot of people put too much pressure on themselves, especially when it comes to trying out new fantasies, or even with anal play. We take on this pressure to always follow through with our sexual plans, without even taking a second to consider how the new sensations may affect our bodies.

We don’t get to prepare for those new feelings, and the possibility of panic, anxiety, trauma, shame or guilt that might come to surface. And not talking about these things leaves us at risk of experiencing yet another traumatic event that could deprive us of a kink or fantasy altogether. But why should lack of awareness rob me of my pleasure?