Getting Tested for STIs with New Partners: How do you ask them about their STI status?

How do I ask someone new that I’ve been talking to or sexting with, about their STI status?

Can you even ask someone that without sounding rude or invasive?

I don’t want to kill the mood. I actually want to let things between us get hotter than they already are by making it even more stress-free. How can we open up about STIs without making it feel clinical or judgy?

STI testing in India can be a vulnerable process, with doctors seeming harsh, clinics feeling intimidating, privacy being so crucial, and the many layers of shame and misinformation that society has blessed us with. We barely have a culture that allows us to open up about our personal diagnoses and receive warmth and compassion for it, never mind having the confidence to open up to a first date or a Bumble match.

How do you broach the subject of tests and sharing results with each other without sounding judgemental? What’s a cute way to bring up STI tests without ‘killing the mood’?

The Non-Negotiable

If you are at a stage with a new partner where some sexual intimacy has already taken place or it feels inevitable that you will be having sex soon, it’s okay to approach the subject of STI tests in an assertive tone. Don’t downplay your needs in the interest of likability.

“I’d really like for us to make sure we’re safe about all this. Have you been tested recently? I can share my results with you.”

“Hey, I know this is a bit of a clinical question but I really want us to feel safe and comfy together. Can we share our STI test reports when we meet next?”

“I know we’ll use protection but I still think it’ll put us both at ease if we got tested before I came over :)”

The Gentle Check In

If sexting or physical intimacy hasn’t happened yet but you would still like to broach the subject, go for it! You may not want to wait until some form of intimacy takes place, but it’s a delicate dance nonetheless. Not everyone wants to learn about your sexual interest in them from the mention of STI tests. Be tender.

“I feel like this thing between us is getting more intimate… Do you think we could talk some more about what being safe means for both of us?”

“I love that I can already tell how badly you want me. Can we pause and talk about this a bit more? I just want to be sure that we’re on the same page before anything happens”

“I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m skipping a few steps with you, but if you’d like to talk about more serious things like STI tests, I’m game! I’d love for us both to feel safe as we explore this.”

 

The Flirty Approach

If you’re feeling more comfortable with the person you’re speaking to, or want to minimise the tension around the subject, you can even play cute about it! Make a date out of planning your first time together. Talk about what you’d like to do, where you would want to meet, what lubes you like to use, how you like to be touched and other facets of building sexual intimacy together. If you do it right and if both of you are on the same page, looking at each other’s results can even become part of the process that gives you butterflies.

“How about this for a plan– meet me for dinner and tell me more about the things you want me to do to you when you come over. We can share our reports over dessert?”

“You know… I haven’t gotten myself tested in a while but since we’re going on a trip next month… Wanna get tested with me tomorrow?”

It’s not your fault if the conversation around STIs brings up anxiety, shame, confusion, anger or disgust. We’re taught to associate those feelings with STIs. We are made to believe that STIs happen to other people, never us, and that anyone who asks is probably challenging our character.

But STI’s are like any other viral or bacterial infection. They come and go in waves, and maybe you’ll catch one or maybe yours will be silent and asymptomatic for a while. It’s not about trying to be ‘pristine’ for someone else, it never is.

It’s about taking your health in your hands, and knowing that you’ll love and look after it no matter what anyone else says or thinks.