Vaginismus and My Vibrator

In February, I was scrolling away on Instagram when I saw Sangya Project’s tempting offer – a massager for 2,000 rupees. I was celibate, and I needed some extra help during self pleasure –  I didn’t think investing in it would be a big deal.

Vaginismus and I have a tough history.

I’ve lived with it like it’s a secret shame for the past two years, and pushed away potential partners because of it.

My self loathing, vaginismus and I were a toxic trio. With Vaginismus, it’s easy to fall into a pit of shame and self blame. I felt like there was something ‘wrong’ with me because I was unable to have penetrative sex. No amount of foreplay and attraction could undo the sharp pain and tightness I would feel with penetration.

When doctors ruled out any physical complications affecting my pelvic floor and gynaecological health, I was finally able to face the ugly truth behind my vaginismus – heaps of anxiety and sexual assault trauma.

A lot has already been said and written about navigating desire and intimacy post sexual assault, and the journey to healing and acceptance is never linear. I could feel my self esteem plummeting and living in my own shame cube as a result of vaginismus. This was also when I decided to go celibate to focus on my healing journey.

So how did Sangya's massager help me?

No, this isn’t a sponsored post because I got the product with my own money. I live with my conservative family so I had the product shipped to a friend’s hotel who was visiting Delhi. I bought the toy because it was 1) affordable (the offer price was 2,000 INR) and 2) it was discreet enough to get away with hiding it at home.

Once I got my hands on the vibrator, I was faced with a new challenge – how do we get used to this sensation? I had known pleasure only through touch and at least for me, using the vibrator for the first time didn’t automatically make me squirt.

And that’s the thing – it’s never an instant process. After many nights of hit and trial, I had an orgasm with the vibrator. I still think it’s a very different sensation versus when I use my hands to make myself cum.

With this massager, I was in control – the master of my own ship.

I had a wild idea brewing inside my brain, what if I were to penetrate myself with the vibrator? It vaguely resembles a dick, too. I even took out a measuring tape to measure its length – it’s about 7 inches in total. I would plan on inserting it inside me bit by bit, just to see how much of it my body could take.

This didn’t happen overnight either, I would use the vibrator on the entrance of my vagina, teasing myself with it. I would observe my own body’s responses to its hum. It finally happened in the middle of the night, the vibrator was all lubed up and slowly made its way inside me. As I felt my pelvic and vaginal muscles ease due to it pulsating inside me, I also felt in control. I felt joy, awe and amazement towards my body – it wasn’t that broken, after all.

Dilation through dildos, fingers or massagers is one of the ways to manage vaginismus. I have used the massager to act as my own dilator before engaging in penetrative sex – and yes, it worked wonders.

But my favourite part has to be the ability to fuck myself with the vibrator and find new sensations within my body. My body is still figuring out if I want to have sex with others again, but now I know I have myself.

This vibrator gave me a chance to explore pleasure and desire within myself, when I wasn’t fully sure I wanted to explore it with others. It affirms the feeling of safety, control and ease which is important to me.

And to say this without mincing any words – I fuck myself with the Sangya vibrator every chance I get, and it’s taught me that no one makes me cum harder than myself.

After years of feeling unsafe and broken, I’ve finally found something that makes me feel safe. The answer was always in my hands, after all.