The Unbearable Pressure to Cum

What do you think of when you think of someone faking orgasms?

The frustration of a partner not knowing how to please you?

Them not responding to feedback or instruction well?

When we talk about women faking it in bed, we often think about men doing a bad job to please them.

Selfish people who don’t ask their partners what they like, or are too anxious for feedback, are likely to find themselves with a person who fakes it to get it over with.

But in my case, it’s different.

I have the perfect partner. He’s generous, hot, and he loves when I take my time.

What I don’t have though, is a perfect clit.

What I have instead is a temperamental, sensitive yet occasionally numb, unpredictable clit. The same kind of play and touch that could make me climax in 4-5 minutes, now feels like it takes at least 20 or more.

Maybe it’s my body changing with age, maybe I don’t have a consistent lib-do because I feel stressed about work and bills all the time. 

But lately, it feels like my mind is far, far away from whatever love I’m receiving in bed, no matter how good it feels.

At first I thought it might have been a craving for porn and vibrators, or even a preference for masturbating over partnered sex. 

So I tried bringing more porn and toys into bed with my partner. Some nights it worked, but other days it just felt like I physically didn’t know how to.

Anorgasmia, the condition where you either cannot experience orgasms at all, or find them to be delayed or less intense than before, is likely what I have. 

I haven't had it diagnosed yet because I’m terrified. But it’s probably why my clit seems to look at sexual play as a bored bystander and less like an active participant.

It’s not like I don’t want sex. I crave intimacy and his incredible touch all the time. 

I feel myself getting turned on and wet, my thighs tense as I excitedly wait for his hands or his tongue or anything else he has in mind… but after that?

Nothing. I get stuck in this sex purgatory that isn’t quite heaven or hell and leaves me shaking and sweating in the arousal stage without the respite of an orgasm.

It’s hard not to consider faking an orgasm just to give my partner a sense of relief. Some nights it’s all I can think of because the discomfort and guilt of not climaxing is too much.

But what if the time taken to orgasm wasn’t the problem? 

What if the real issue was expecting my body to follow the same sexual script each time and still orgasm on command, when I assume it’s time for it to do so?

What if sex was not about reaching that orgasm each time, and more about letting myself enjoy the play? 

What if I let myself see my orgasms as just a bonus to my sexual experiences?

None of this changes how frustrating it is to want to cum and feel like there’s a giant brick wall between my mind and my clit that won’t allow them to communicate with each other.

But maybe… it would be nice for the sequence of events with sex to just be different.

Instead of us going down on a partner until they cum, we could come up and tease them in other ways for a bit before going back down on them or using other kinds of touch.

Maybe we can edge each other, or masturbate together, or initiate oral and then interrupt it to drive them crazy before fingering them or using a toy.

Maybe sex shouldn’t be an act of pursuit for orgasms alone, and should focus more on being mutually fun.

It should also be okay for a partner to come up for air without me having been able to cum, and for both of us to still feel connected and pleasured.

I’m not saying it doesn’t matter if I don’t orgasm. It’s frustrating to be on the edge of one and not feel it come. 

But I wish I didn’t have to spend my mental energy wondering where my orgasm is, why it didn’t come, why this shame won’t leave me alone and if I should fake an orgasm, all at once.

If I didn’t have all those things on my mind, maybe my clit and my mind would finally have some room to talk to each other and build an orgasm together for once.

Maybe good sex needs more than just skill, technique and feedback. 

Sometimes it needs to give you the space to say, “I want you, but I may not be able to cum tonight. Is that okay?”

Or “I may not get hard right now, but I’m still up for sex with you”.

Good sex, to me, should feel like forgiveness to your body too.