Caught Masturbating

Whether it's parents walking in on their kids.

Kids walking in on their parents. 

Partner walking in on their partner. 

Why are we made to feel shame or guilt?

First off, we believe using the word “caught” is wrong. 

You can't get caught masturbating, because masturbation isn't wrong. Masturbation is healthy and there is nothing wrong or evil about it. Without proper sex education, many of us are made to feel like we are doing something… sinful.

Religions teach us that it is sinful to touch ourselves for pleasure. Parents react badly when they walk in on their kids masturbating, instilling shame into their kids and therefore creating a vicious cycle.

That cycle needs to end.

Parents walking in on children

So your child is now of the age where they might be exploring their sexual side. What should you be doing so that they don’t have a traumatic experience with their sexuality? 

Knock : We can’t emphasize this enough. In India, privacy is a luxury and most families believe it is NOT a right. This leads to convoluted ideas on personal safety and mixed messages on our right to privacy, with cause for anxiety, shame, guilt and fears that could impact a person’s journey with their self-image and sexuality. 

Communication : Give them the sex education they need. Tell them it is normal and give them literature they can consume in private to understand themselves better.

Safety and consent: Make sure they understand that no one can touch them without their consent. Revisit the subject of consent routinely, so when they are ready to explore with another person, they do it under safe circumstances and the concept feels like muscle memory. 

Avoid Scare Tactics : Here are some fear-inducing myths about masturbation that come from the mouths of adults: “Paap lagega", "You will get cursed by God”, “You’ll go blind.” 

These may have frightened children out of the habit, but they also created unwarranted guilt and damaged self-esteem, resulting in unhealthy s*xual attitudes. 

And, once children discovered that these threats were untrue, advice on other s*xual matters became suspect.

Children walking in on parents

So your child walked in on you pleasuring yourself?

Knock: Teach them the importance of knocking and respecting another person’s private spaces and time. They need to understand the importance of their own privacy AS WELL as another person’s privacy being equally important.

Communication: Help them understand masturbation and emphasise on how normal it is. Give them the sex education they deserve, free of guilt.

Let them know that even at an older age it is normal and it doesn’t mean you love their other parent less. It may also help to have the partner in the room when the conversation occurs so they understand the transparency of it all.

Safety and consent: Make sure they know that no one can touch them without their consent. 

Help them understand consent and revisit the subject routinely so they develop healthy ideas around privacy, boundaries, respect and compassion towards themselves as well as towards friends and potential partners. 

Anger: Screaming at your kids because they walked in on you may damage how they see masturbation.

Their mind will think they walked in on you doing something ‘wrong’ which will perpetuate the understanding that it is a sinful thing to do. It might also impact their ability to talk to you about certain things, so make sure your tone is always constructive, supportive and solution-oriented, not authoritative or fear-inducing. 

Be kind, be empathetic and educate.

Partner walking in on partner

Knock : Just because you are partners doesn’t mean there should be no privacy between all of you. Having your alone time and privacy is your right. You need to have clear boundaries for a healthy relationship with yourselves as well as with others.

Communication: Be empathetic. Them being worried, angry or upset can come from a place of insecurity. You need to explain to them that masturbation is a way of self-love, understanding your own needs so that it can be communicated with your partners. If it does have something to do with something in the bedroom, that talk is important as well.

Anger: Try not to lash out on your partner. First, give them privacy & let them tell you when they are ready to to have a conversation about their needs. Demanding explanations will not help. Same goes for the partner being walked in on.

I still feel guilty when I masturbate. What do I do?

1. Understand that this guilt is not a fault, and isn't a flaw that needs aggressive correction.  You've likely grown up in an environment that looked down upon sexual agency and expression and like many of us, might have been told directly or indirectly that sex is only for marriage and only for reproduction. It's not your fault for battling shame and guilt. 

2. Know where it comes from. This can be a slightly overwhelming process, so take it slow. Talk to friends or trusted peers who can engage in these conversations in healthy ways, and notice who/where these feelings of shame came from.

3. Slowly step out of your comfort zone and engage with mediums like movies or books where characters have conversations about sex. Let the language become more normal for you, so the feelings that accompany those words and thoughts can feel less scary for you too. 

4. Acknowledge that masturbating is not compulsory, necessary or in direct conflict with your identity or orientation in any way. You can be asexual and still masturbate. You can be a trans person or an enby person and still masturbate any way you like. That's between you, your body and your mind alone, and nobody else gets to define your identity or challenge your labels, ever.

5. Therapy: If accessible & affordable, then therapy is a safe space to understand and battle negative feelings.