Engaging In A Partner's Fantasy

What do you do when your partner opens up to you about a fantasy you never expected them to have?

When they bring up a threesome for the first time?

When they suggest using toys that you’ve never looked at before?

Or when they ask you to call them names or touch them in ways you didn’t know they craved?

How do you react, respond or regulate your emotions in those conversations to make sure your partner feels heard?

How do you simultaneously protect and respect your own boundaries?

Check in with yourself during and after the conversation

When discussing new sexual fantasies, it is possible that you may feel anxious or confused or even rejected. You may feel guilt or shame if you do not feel the same way your partner does, or you may feel unsure of whether or not you want to explore the same fantasy with them.

You may even feel pressured to say yes to make your partner feel good.

But sometimes, our bodies may show signs of distress before we fully understand what we are feeling.

Did your breathing feel unusually shallow during or after the conversation?

Did your chest feel tight?

Did you feel irritation or restlessness, and a desire to leave the room?

Did you feel like you might have had an out-of-body experience?

Did the conversation make you nauseated or make your body feel unusually heavy?

If you notice signs of distress as you navigate this conversation, your mind may be asking for some time and space, or support and reassurance.

Take your time, allow yourself to change your mind

Ask to press pause on this conversation and discuss with your partner if it would be alright to revisit this subject at a later time, or to ask them questions that might help you understand their needs better.

Your discomfort or fears may not always be immediately apparent to you. And that’s normal! 

When it comes to sex and intimacy, we are all dealing with so much vulnerability and conditioning at the same time.  Knowing your preferences can take time, and it is only fair to take that time before you say yes or no to your partner’s desires.

Turning a fantasy into reality is only hot when the people involved are actually into it. 

Try not to say yes out of fear of losing your partner, and try not to think of sex as something that you are obligated to participate in.

When all romantic conditioning and social pressures are taken away, is this fantasy something that you really want?

You can also feel open to something today, and have that feeling change with time.

You may say no to a certain fantasy and eventually feel more open to it without having been pressured to feel that way.

Sex is a funny thing, and usually it doesn’t have a fixed standard throughout our lives or through all our relationships. Let yourself stay fluid and open to your changing preferences.

Look for resources or trusted friends

Stepping out of your head and communicating with someone else who may be more unbiased about you, can be really helpful.

As the Sex Ed and Kink communities continue to grow online, it might be nice to find people who can shed some light on their own threesome or BDSM experiences. What they wish they had done differently, what they have learned from the past, all of it.

You do not have to unpack and explore your kinky side all by yourself. And you definitely aren’t expected to figure it all out without ever making any mistakes.

Find a way to take baby steps with your partner

Excited about having your first threesome? Maybe you will feel more at ease by sexting a third person as a couple first.

Thinking of trying butt plugs to explore anal play? Start with a finger and a lot of lube instead!

If you want to explore impact play or bondage, try positions and acts that allow for those sensations without using heavy-duty products. 

Try spanking by hand first, or holding your partner’s hands above their head or behind their back without cuffs.

See how the baby steps treat you before you take that leap of faith with your kinks.

No matter what the fantasy is, no matter how much your partner wants it, your safety and pleasure are just as important as theirs.