Dissociation & Sex

“I felt like I wasn’t even in the room when I was having sex.” 

As therapists that work with queer folks and trauma, it’s not uncommon for us to hear experiences of dissociation during sex. But what stands out is how very few people know how to recognise and navigate instances where they or their partners are dissociating.

Dissociation is when you involuntarily disconnect from what’s happening around you, your thoughts, and your feelings.

It has long been understood as a break in consciousness that our brain implements when what’s happening around us is too overwhelming to process. Almost like an emergency hatch that is opened without your knowledge, dissociation pulls you in from the outer world to the safer, more controllable inner world. 

While it’s known as a trauma response, trauma isn’t a necessary precursor to disassociating, especially when it comes to sx. 

Although it is far more common for people who have faced sexual trauma (particularly in their childhoods) to disassociate during sex, it can also be caused by raised levels of stress in your life, anxiety, and the lack or fear of intimacy.

Have I been dissociating? 

Dissociation can be very subtle. If you find your mind wandering frequently while having sx with your partner, or if you find yourself daydreaming about other things, you might be experiencing dissociation.

As it increases in intensity, you might find it difficult to pay attention to what’s happening in your body. It may be hard to feel aroused or orgasm no matter how enthusiastic you were about getting intimate- like your senses have somehow become duller.

You might also feel like your heart is racing and that you are feeling lightheaded or dizzy. Some people also find it difficult to feel emotionally connected with their partners and environments.

In its most severe form, dissociation feels like one has been separated from reality. Sex can take on a ‘dream-like’ quality, you might feel like you’re having an out of body experience. Details might look blurry, almost like a thin veil is separating you from your surroundings. 

Sounds might get distorted- they might feel too loud or soft and even your perception of time might change. You may come out of the experience feeling like something was off, not remembering details, or feeling like you were on autopilot.

Has my partner been dissociating? 

It can be stressful to think about your partner dissociating, whether it’s someone you’ve known for a long time or even someone you are casually hooking up with. So much of sex is about being completely present in the moment and responding to the other person’s body. Your partner not being able to be present can be a distressing experience, but with some help from you, they may be able to regulate better and enjoy themselves. 

Although dissociation might look different for each individual, you can watch out for a few signs. They may stop expressing themselves as they usually do, and might look distracted. They may slowly start disengaging with sex and might look away. Their body language may look closed off, they may have trouble hearing the questions you ask them, or may not respond to them altogether. Even their touch may feel limp, limited or may stop completely.

If you notice your partner showing any of these signs, press pause for a bit. You can ask them how they are feeling and if they’d like to switch to doing something else. 

If your partner has expressed that they notice that they dissociate during sx, keep checking in regularly. Just asking them about how they are doing can help them stay in the present moment more. 

You can also explore strategies together to help them feel calmer and more relaxed beforehand, this may also help the both of you recognise the triggers for dissociation so that they can be avoided as much as possible. 

How can I help myself or my partner? 

The good news is that many treatments that have been developed for dissociation, and amongst them the one with the most evidence backing it, is something that is accessible to us all- mindfulness. You can incorporate mindfulness into every aspect of sex, basically bringing a focus onto the sensations you or your partner are feeling. 

Before beginning, spend some intentional time practicing some grounding. Grounding is intentionally bringing your focus to your environment, helping you be more present. The ‘5-4-3-2-1’ technique is a fairly simple grounding activity that engages all your senses.

Bring your attention to 5 things that you can see- describe them in as much detail as possible to yourself or your partner. You could even try describing your partner’s features to them. Repeat this process with 4 things that you can touch, 3 things that you can hear, 2 things that you can smell, and 1 thing that you can taste. 

You can also practice grounding in other ways- playing your favorite music and moving along with it with your partner, sipping on cold water, or even lighting your favorite scented candles. 

What’s better than practicing mindfulness before sex? Practicing it during sx! Sensation play is a great way to help you or your partner focus on their body and the present moment. Remember to decide on what you’d like to try out beforehand and to keep checking in gently.

Keep a focus on your breathing, your breathing pattern will probably be the first thing to change if you’re getting overwhelmed. It’s also the anchor that can bring you back. Manipulating your breath is a shortcut to helping your mind understand that it is safe. Practice diaphragmatic breathing or box breathing regularly so that you can immediately use it during the times you feel more stress. 

And remember, to feel safer during sex, aftercare is very important. Whether that’s cuddling , getting cleaned up together, or sharing a cup of hot chocolate together- just know that the focus on the present moment doesn’t have to end when the sx does.