Meaningless Sex

I remember the first time a friend told me he needed some meaningless sex. I rolled my eyes and didn’t think much of it, or of him, but the idea that meaningless sex with someone unknown or half-known could be a need, made zero sense to me.

Sure it’s thrilling to have something casual and playful, but under what circumstance could you possibly NEED meaningless sex?

Is it to keep people at a safe emotional distance?

Is it from a growing culture of seeing casual sex as cool and progressive?

Or is it an inability to offer commitment?

There is a problem here, and the problem is me.

I assumed people wanted meaningless sex or craved it as a result of some form of dissatisfaction or emotional stuntedness. I assumed that sex with emotional intimacy and prolonged communication was some kind of default. There’s no denying that culture has a huge impact on how we define our identities or desires.

When you grow up hearing about how sacred sex is, only if done after marriage, but are simultaneously encouraged by friends or social media content to be more sexually experimental and exploratory, how are you expected to actually find yourself?

But after speaking to more of my loved ones and learning to not belittle their desires by judging or mislabelling them, here’s what I’ve learnt.

Casual sex as a release

For those of us who may feel emotionally or mentally exhausted from our everyday burden of managing other people’s emotions or being overwhelmed by our own, casual sex can act as a break from it all.

With a stranger who expects little to no major communication from you, or an acquaintance who can be taught how to touch you in bed without wanting emotional availability from you, or that ex who you could never be in sync with, except in the bedroom

The scope for finding release in scenarios that bring you sexual gratification without adding more emotional or mental expectations on you can feel incredibly freeing and relaxing.

Casual sex as a rebellion

With cultures or environments that pressure us to ‘stay pure’ and then manically work to have babies as soon as you’re married, casual sex can feel like a silent protest.

It’s the reclamation of your time, your energy, your sexuality, your mental and emotional boundaries and your body as a whole.

Casual sex, when executed well by partners who ask the right questions and take feedback well, can feel like making a long-awaited journey back to yourself. It can take you back to finding comfort without the added weight of having to ask each other about work stress or be available for each other’s little rants or wildly distressing life updates.

Casual sex as Practice

This isn’t to say that it’s okay to ‘use’ someone so you can be better in bed with someone else who you may have deeper feelings for. But casual encounters can be a great space where you can discuss acts, positions, fetishes or dynamics that you would like to try out.

There’s a certain freedom in being able to embarrass yourself with someone you may not have to see ever again, and that can be easier than having to gently but gingerly tell a long term partner about a fantasy you haven’t shared with them before.

Learning how to be good at sex from porn is hard, it may even be entirely futile. But a person next to you who doesn’t want to hear about your fight with your sibling or doesn’t get involved with the personal crisis you have to handle once you leave that room? That person may just make an excellent teacher.

Casual sex to disappear

Another reason many of us may enjoy and even crave casual sex or one-night stands is because there’s a limit to how much the other person may be able to read us.  A long term partner may know when you start to tense up, they know that look you get in your eyes when you fade away.

Being seen and understood is a beautiful, intimate thing, but on some days, it can also be exhausting. Some days you want to share orgasms and experience those sexual highs without feeling too exposed or analysed. 

You want to let your eyes tear up after an orgasm without the other person taking it too personally and having that tension linger over both of you for days to come.

It’s why some of us try to change things up with long-term partners too. It’s why we sometimes want blindfolds, handcuffs, quickies in the car or in a staircase, shower sex or no-kiss sex and even set up characters for roleplay.

It’s not just to ‘spice things up’, it’s also to separate the burden of your own thoughts and emotions from sex as the physical act of play, excitement, spontaneity, entertainment and adrenaline that it can be.

Casual sex is no default to pursue, nor is it an anomaly of the digital age or of Millennial and Gen Z dating habits.

Casual sex, like any other dynamics of sex with or without other people, has its own purposes and potential. 

All you need to figure out is if meaningless sex holds meaning to you.