Crying After Sex

You're not alone

Feeling emotionally overwhelmed, anxious or sad after sexual activity is not necessarily a bad sign. It's an indicator of what your mind or body might think about the act or sensation you just experienced.

Feelings are not good or bad, they just are. It's best to pause and see what they might be trying to tell you. But self-love and kindness aside, it's understandable to want an answer for why you or your partner/s may be experiencing strong emotions during or after sex. So what are some of the possible reasons why you might be crying?

It's all chemical

Postcoital Dysphoria (PCD) or Postcoital Tristesse (PCT) is said to be the phenomenon where a person experiences sadness, anxiety, agitation or aggression after sexual engagement. These feelings of dysphoria are said to last anywhere between 5 minutes to two hours after the encounter.

After the 'high' of dopamine, oxytocin and prolactin from sexual arousal and orgasm, the drop in these hormones can result in feelings of sadness and anxiety. But the conclusions from PCD studies should be taken with a pinch of salt. Most of the data used in these studies is self-reported and obtained in interviews or online surveys. So we only know as much about PCD as people have been willing to divulge to researchers.

Vulnerability and partner bonding

This doesn't apply only to people in monogamous relationships. Vulnerability can be fleeting, and you can experience and enjoy it with casual partners too. The act of being seen, heard and understood even if just for a few minutes or hours, can be emotionally fulfilling. With known partners, it can even feel like silent communication or conflict resolution and a heightened awareness of what safety, intimacy and comfort mean to you and your partners. Kinda makes sense that you might tear up after experiencing a physical and emotional connection with someone, no?

Sex and catharsis

Sex, whether casual or intense, vanilla or kinky, can be immensely cathartic. Whether you're trying something new or revisiting an act that has previously worked out for you, the act of physically connecting with partners or strangers can be immensely therapeutic.

Sex involves an exploration of power dynamics and control, pleasure and pain, consent and communication, and after a rough week or a boring day at work, it can feel like a fog has been lifted and you might be able to hear your thoughts again. And that's not just with partnered/group sex.

Solo sex can feel cathartic too. Basic exercise can have similar effects on the mind and body. Who wouldn't cry when it feels like a cloud has been lifted or you've suddenly processed an overwhelming fear or anxiety?

The mind and body

Our bodies sometimes lock in and carry stress for us when we don't feel ready to fully process those thoughts or experiences. Some of us may carry that stress in our jaws, our shoulders, or even our necks.

When engaging in physical activities like sex, the gap between mind and body can grow narrower, and unresolved feelings of stress, anxiety or sadness can come to surface and make you tear up. Feeling emotional after physical activities is so much more normal than we think.

Mental and somatic flashbacks

Now, for those of us who are survivors, starting or restarting our sexual exploration can be tricky. Specific acts, words, positions or sensations can trigger mental, emotional or somatic flashbacks.

Flashbacks can occur during or after the act and you may experience anger, sadness, anxiety or discomfort even a day or several days after the encounter. But know that you are not alone. Processing trauma takes time and there is no rule on how long you're allowed to take to heal.

Take your time, feel what you need to. And in the meantime, pause and reflect on what boundaries you might want to set to make your next encounter safer and less triggering.

What to do if you cry

1. It's okay to pause. Just because you are in the middle of a sexual act, does not mean you have to go through with it. Crying may be one way that your mind tries to ask for a break, so pay close attention to what it needs.

2. Reflect on the encounter when you feel more rested and safe. When did you begin to feel like crying? Has it happened before? What did the two encounters have in common? Was it the act? The position? The location? Asking yourself these questions can help you understand how to set different boundaries next time and feel safer.

3. Accept and acknowledge that crying is okay. All emotions are normal and valid and instead of trying to avoid any of them, it may help to better understand why you experience a specific set of emotions after sexual engagement.

What to do if your partner cries

1. Accept the emotion they are experiencing and do not make this about yourself. It's understandable to worry if you did something wrong, but let the spotlight stay on your partner as they try to climb out of the emotional overwhelm they are feeling.

2. Stop whatever act you were engaging in and ask them how you can help them. Maybe they would like to be held, maybe they would prefer some space. Whether this is a casual partner or a long-term one, there's no reason why the encounter can't be mutually empathetic and understanding.

3. Revisit the subject when they are in a better frame of mind (if the partner is a known person. It's understandable if a hook-up does not want to open up to you that way). Do NOT ask them to relive their trauma for your understanding. Just ask them how you can make the experience safer for them.