Ethical Non-Monogamy & Cheating

Before I begin this post, let me clarify that this is not about ethical non-monogamy v. monogamy.

The relationship structures we choose are a personal reflection of the life we hope to lead and there isn’t a right or wrong answer to this. I’m also not a behaviorist or a psychologist. This post is simply about my personal experiences.

Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, let’s begin.

I’m Polyamorous. Have been for over 5 years now. For those who are unaware, polyamory (not to be confused with polygamy) is a form of ethical non-monogamy where people have multiple romantic partners at the same time. The exact structure and the guidelines are mutually decided by the people involved and not necessarily identical across relationships. Needless to say, consent and transparency are a prerequisite to all of this.

In all the time that I’ve been polyamorous, I’ve come across several ideas that people have about this concept. Some are right, some are wrong. Some are just hilarious (no, it's not a perpetual orgy). The one that irks me the most though, is men telling me that they’re probably non-monogamous because they can’t help but cheat in monogamous relationships.

There are two reasons why this irks me so: First, it assumes that cheating doesn’t exist in non-monogamous relationships. Second, it limits the meaning of cheating to the desire for sex.

What most people tend to overlook about polyamory is that it isn’t a free-for-all. The difference between monogamy and polyamory isn’t the presence and the absence of boundaries. It’s the way in which these boundaries are defined.

Multiple people in a romantic set-up also means multiple experiences, emotional baggage, and all the other messy things that come with being a human being. These further mean more intrinsic boundaries in order to create a safe environment for everyone involved. These may not follow a template or be the same across all such relationships, but exist, they do.

How else can one ensure that relationships remain respectful, caring and loving, if not for such boundaries?

Now let’s break down cheating a little. In its essence, cheating is when someone violates the pre-agreed boundaries of what constitutes fidelity in a relationship. Despite the fact that there is no “ownership” of a person in the relationship, monogamy does come with certain exclusive rights granted to the romantic partners.

Cheating, then in a monogamous relationship could mean anything ranging from emotional to physical intimacy with someone outside of the relationship. In a polyamorous set-up, it could be a lack of transparency with respect to other sexual and romantic partners. Both of these are boundaries that can be violated.

To assume that the presence of multiple partners in polyamory negates the concept of fidelity and boundaries is also to assume that polyamory is not a safe and healthy form of a relationship. As long as there is an understanding on what is fidelity, there is a possibility of cheating, regardless of the relationship structure.

Cheating is also a lot more than just sex. Other than the act itself, what makes it worse, is that this violation is with knowledge.

There is deceit on a daily basis with every act of violation. From wilful omission to outright lying, it’s a choice made with every such action. Aside from the sense of betrayal, it is likely to have both long-term and short-term consequences on the nervous system, including the manner in which one perceives future partners.

If each such wilful act of cheating is with the knowledge of the extent of the emotional devastation likely to be caused, then to assume that the fault is in the relationship structure of monogamy is more of a denial than a solution.

If anything, a polyamorous situation is likely to include further intricacies, due to the additional variable of multiple partners. Disrespect of a partner’s boundaries then, cannot be prevented by

having multiple partners simultaneously who will also have their respective boundaries. After all,

disrespect of any kind,

is bound to transcend relationship structures.

How then can repeated cheating be fixed? I can’t tell you, because I don’t know. Maybe the answer lies in going back to the fundamental questions.

How much do you want from a relationship?

Are you willing to reciprocate all that you wish to receive?

If you change your relationship structure, will it fix the cause or just the symptoms?

Are both partners secure enough to make the shift?

To potentially also fall in love with other people?

To acknowledge and address your fears and be vulnerable about them on a daily basis?

The questions can be anything. But the answer is definitely not as straightforward as simply resorting to non-monogamy.