Is It Not Cheating When She Kisses A Girl?

My (M25) girlfriend (F23) made out with a very hot girl on NYE in front of me. She winked at me. I smiled back. It broke my heart.

This is an excerpt from a reddit post I read recently and it got me thinking about what commitment looks like to different people. For someone like me? This would probably have been a fantasy, I would have winked back at my girlfriend and would have prayed for my NYE to have started with a threesome. Who wouldn’t? Right? Well, that’s me in my very privileged, ENM, kink-informed bubble.

But the person who wrote the post struggled with a range of emotions.

MASCULINITY

Did it make him less of a man because he wasn’t excited by seeing his gf kiss another girl who was also very hot? 

Did it mean he was unable to give her things someone of the other gender would have been able to give her?

FIDELITY

Was this not infidelity because it was someone of the same gender as her?

How would people reading this react if the person she kissed was a man?

SEXUALITY

Would the same apply to himself?

How would he be viewed if he kissed a man?

Would it play out in exactly the same way if he had kissed another girl?

This understanding of what the rules of a relationship are, is based on a lot of assumptions. Especially when you’re in a monogamous heternormative relationship.

No one really teaches you or talks about what constitutes cheating and what the rules are. No one sat us down to teach us this. We had movies, parents and people around us as references. That’s all.

When you’re in queer relationships or in polyamorous relationships, you sit down with your partner and continuously talk about what these boundaries are to you. You define infidelity together, you find gestures or acts of commitment together.

But most straight and monogamous relationships don’t feel that pressure to explicitly define those boundaries. You’re expected to just... know.

After speaking to married monogamous people around me, I realised no one really had that kind of conversation.

“Abey, isn’t it obvious? Cheating is cheating”.

That’s a response I got from my friend who has been married for a decade.

He further added that if he asks his wife now about what cheating is to her and where the boundaries are, “She will 100% think I am cheating on her or have done something wrong” . So, he’s even scared to broach the topic.

The comment section for this post was no different. It was filled with men talking about

“Missed opportunity” 

“I wish I had a wife like that” 

“You’re over reacting.” 

“It was new year’s and she did it in front of you only na… it’s fun!”

I realised just how heavy a queer bubble I lived in because of the way we view sexuality and gender. 

Our boundaries are spoken about, and fidelity & infidelity is defined. Just because the kiss was with someone of the same gender, doesn’t mean your partner gets a pass.

But society at large doesn’t view it that way. To them, this was a dream come true and the man wasted an opportunity which may not come back in 2025. His now deleted post leaves a bigger mark in my understanding of the expectations of a man in India.

To (M25), I hope you know that you’re a bigger man than most for trying to understand yourself better. Knowing your wants, your boundaries, expectations and what commitment looks like to you is a path to happiness and contentment.

Don’t leave boundaries, acts of commitment, & fidelity to assumptions. Don’t base your love story on what you see on screen and around you. Define them together, and try to get past the awkwardness of feeling vulnerable to understand your love better. You deserve to have your boundaries learnt and understood too.

In the words of Meatloaf, I would do anything for love, Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that. Sit down and talk about what that looks like for you.