Strapped with Kali Sudhra: Essential Tips for Good Strap On Sex

Strap-on sex. Just three words—but they rev my engine every time.

Often overlooked and wildly underrated, strap-on play opens the door to a whole world of possibility. Top? Bottom? Verse? Strap-on sex is for everyone: all genders, all orientations, all bodies. From delicious role reversals to electrifying power dynamics, it's a playground for pleasure, exploration, and imagination.

It’s not just fulfilling-it’s full-filling in every sense of the word.

In a world that so often tries to script what sex should be, choosing to step outside those expectations feels like a quiet rebellion—an act of self-love, and for me, an expression of queer joy. Some of my most affirming moments have come through strap-on play. There’s something deeply intimate about it—the trust it requires, the surrender, the playfulness. It’s a way of touching and being touched that feels expansive and not confined. It’s where I’ve felt most seen, most in my body, and most in my sexuality.

Reimagining Sex the Queer Way

Being queer has taught me to live beyond the limits I was handed. Queerness has given me the freedom to reimagine everything: desire, roles, pleasure, even the rules. It’s visionary. It’s transcendent. It’s survival. I often come back to a quote by Anaïs Nin that holds me: "Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other people’s."

Queer sex has let me build my own world—a world where I can feel free, seen, and desired.

I am going to share with you my personal experiences about strap on sex, both as the “strapper” and the “strapped” (a.k.a giver and receiver)! I will also share some advice that will hopefully make you feel more at ease if it’s your first time.

All Sex is Communication First

First things first: Whether you are being strapped or strapping, the most important thing to remember is to communicate and get consent.

Enthusiastic, informed consent is the foundation for any kind of sex, especially when you’re venturing into uncharted territory. I know people think communication is overrated, but as an experienced pervert and Gemini, I promise you it’s the hottest.

Talk with your partner(s) about what feels exciting, what fantasy you have about strap on sex, what boundaries exist, and what kind of aftercare might feel good.

“I want to try it... but what if I look ridiculous?”

Honey, you will  look ridiculous.

That’s part of the charm. There is nothing effortless about trying to put on a harness for the first time, it can be a very confusing puzzle. My tip: you must be able to laugh at yourself a little. 

Practice makes it near to perfect.

I say this because even as a seasoned queer, sometimes I still have a hard time with all the straps and remembering which loop to put my leg through. Don’t sweat it. Take your sweet time and build the anticipation of your partner waiting for the strap.
My pro tips: 

1. This might sound nerdy, (I am a nerd) but you can even practice when you aren’t having a sexy moment. Try getting in and out of the harness and see how it feels.
2. I personally like to only open one side of my harness and then step into it, then do up the open side. I find it's easier than trying to strap myself in on both sides and sometimes mixing up the straps.
   
3. If you are anticipating strap-on sex, you could also surprise your partner by wearing it under your clothes. Maybe it’s the boy scout training that will never leave me, but being prepared is HOT.
   
   

“Heavy are the hips that wear the strap”.

No one knows where this quote originated, but I absolutely love it and I can definitely resonate with it. There is a certain level of responsibility I feel when I wear a strap on. I want my partner to feel satisfied and I want them to know that I am going to dedicate this strap on session to their pleasure. It can be a lot of pressure sometimes. I try to remind myself that orgasms aren’t the final goal, and that a session can be hot without them too!

Wearing a strap-on for the first time can be an intimidating experience. Getting over the awkwardness was the most challenging part for me. I felt weird looking down and seeing this cock that didn’t resonate with me. Using a purple sparkly dildo wasn’t cutting it. I wanted something that felt like mine. I set out on a very long search to find a brown flesh coloured realistic dildo which felt more part of my body. 

Everyone’s experience is different using a strap-on.

For me, it was important that I could play with my gender expression, and have a dildo that matched my skin colour. When it comes to choosing a dildo, do what feels right for you, and also ask your partner what they want in terms of size and girth. One of my fav parts of strap on play is that you can have multiple cocks!


Don’t expect to be an expert the first time wearing a strap. Practice moving in it, explore different harnesses and take moments to really feel how it makes you feel. 

How do I choose the right harness?

Having the right gear is important for strap on sex. It can also seem very confusing because there are so many options. I would suggest doing some research before purchasing and make sure you measure your hips and waist to find the right fit.

The classic option is a leather (or vegan leather) harness. I like that it hugs tight on my hips. I love the feeling of being really strapped in. Leather is hard to clean though because it warps when exposed to water. So when I am pegging, I stick to my harness made out of fabric that I can throw in the wash. 

I have tried to use strapless strap-ons (who came up with that creative name?) They never work for me. It’s essentially a double dildo, designed for strap-on sex without the harness. I find that there isn’t enough stability and the dildo moves too much without the harness putting it in its place. As a strapper, I would not recommend it as it's frustrating, in my experience. 

The most important thing about harnesses is that it fits well and that it feels good on your body. Many people I have hooked up with feel that it resonates more with their gender expression to wear brief/boxer style harnesses. There are so many possibilities. Choose something that you feel hot in.

My tips:

1. It’s hard sometimes to manage positions when you are a first time strapper. 

I hate to say this, but missionary is a great place to start. You can practice using your hips and your partner can adjust if they need to by putting a pillow under their butt to help get the right angle.

2. Try to stay connected to your partner: watch their expressions, listen to their sounds, and keep checking in. 

3. Use dirty talk. Nothing turns me on more than hearing someone beg for my cock inside them, or ask for it harder. The possibilities for dirty talk are endless here.

4. Confidence comes with time, and once you find your rhythm, the pleasure of giving can be just as satisfying as receiving.

A note on packing 

The hottest and most recent experience I had was someone who was wearing a strap underneath their clothes to a sex party. We were getting hot and heavy in the hallway and when I reached back to touch them I realized they were packing a cock. They swiftly maneuvered it to become erect and grinded on me. I cannot tell you how this sent me reeling. If you don’t know what packing is, you’ve got some homework to do.

Being strapped

Being on the receiving end can be equally empowering. You’re inviting someone to explore your body in a deeply vulnerable and incredibly hot way. Whether it’s about prostate stimulation, G-spot play, or the thrill of penetration, being the receiver can be an act of trust and surrender.

When I have been strapped, I think it isn’t just about taking it (although that is hot in its own regard), it can also be about owning it. There’s something wildly hot about saying, “Yeah, I want it. Right there. Now slower. Okay…. not that slow!” As the receiver you should communicate how you want the pace to go and how hard you want it. I got a little tingly just writing that last part there.

 

Role Reversal with Strap Ons

I love the role reversal that can come up during strap-on sex. For most of my life, I genuinely thought I was a top—until I recently had a wild encounter with the hottest, most confidently top-tier queer I've ever met. (If you're reading this... please look away, I’m trying hard to hide my massive crush.) Anyway, I was sure I was a top—until they came along. Now? I’ve seen the light. I can bottom... and honestly, I want to. At least for them.

It was delicious to slip into this space where I wanted to put my body in their hands, and fully abandon myself. The eye contact while being fucked by them with their strap, is something that will live freely in my mind forever. 

*dreamily sighs*

Sucking strap is one of the hottest things about strap on play. I said what I said. There is much debate and also confusion about the act. I have been asked many times, what is the point of sucking a strap on?? I will quote the best response to this ever: 

A lot of people would debate that the act of sucking a strap is too hetero, but for me, it’s subversive by reinventing the whole act in itself. The power exchange is hot, and gives us ownership over acts normally reserved for cis men. I remember for one porn shoot I had, I got my co-performer to suck my strap on before I pegged them. I remember the dildo putting pressure on my clit while I was being sucked, and the visuals were such a turn on. I lost myself in pleasure and also imagining what it would feel like to be blown. 

It’s extremely fun to play with gender and break stereotypes.

Strap on sex is so hot.

There are so many possibilities with strap on sex, I could honestly write a book.

Should I? 

I digress.

I leave you with some last thoughts:

Start small, go slow, and use way more lube than you think you need. Stay present, talk to your partner(s), and keep your curiosity wide open. Strap-on play can be tender, wild, affirming, subversive—whatever you make of it. Let it be a space where gender gets to play, power can shift, and pleasure isn’t confined by any script.