Bad Threesomes: How to Prevent Them and Do It Right Instead

When you think about your sexual experiences, would you say all of them have been good?

Or have they been a mixed bag? Some good, some awkward, some robotic and messy and some just… forgettable?

They have been a mix, haven’t they?

This applies to threesomes too. Some of them can be absolutely life-changing and unforgettable, others can be chaotic, unsafe, confusing or just weird.

Threesomes are one of the most searched sexual acts online. No matter how we identify or what our relationship status is, we have either wondered about threesomes, heard about it, or been asked about it. The act is so sought after and so frequently fantasised about, that when people get a chance to experience them, the real experience may not live up to the dream.

In reality, threesomes can also be awkward, uneasy and even traumatic.

There’s a stereotype for where the desire for a threesome typically comes from– a couple looks for a third to come in and spice their sex life up. Often, this ‘third’ is not seen as much of a human with their own needs or limits. They are seen as a tool, an experience to be had and then moved on from.

Boundaries are drawn between the couple but the third person is rarely a part of this negotiation. Aftercare is more of an afterthought, if at all considered, and for the couple, this is nothing more than an experience for their own sexual journey. An experience like this can easily center the needs and safety of the couple but disregard the pleasure and boundaries of the third. The dynamic becomes one where the couple takes pleasure from the individual as a unit but fails to give it back.

And that’s terrifyingly unfair and disrespectful.

Threesomes are complex, and the potential for variability triples when there are three people involved, just like any sexual act or dynamic. A healthy and safe threesome is one that respects the boundaries of each party before, during and after the act. It is one that seeks consent and is open to accountability even after the event is over.

There are so many different possibilities for a threesome–

• A couple with a stranger
• A couple with a known person
• Three known people
• Three strangers
• A throuple having a threesome

And more!

But with more possibilities of variables to consider, the higher the odds of something going wrong are.

Factors that could cause a bad threesome

Communication Breakdown: Communication doesn’t only mean communicating & setting boundaries before the experience. It needs to continue during it as well and ideally, should be an option after the event too. Lack of communication during and after the act can really sour the moment.

Insecurities & Jealousy: A partner might feel insecure about their body, performance, or positions. Watching their significant other with someone else can amplify these insecurities. The partner can become overly jealous seeing their significant other being intimate with the third person, leading to feelings of resentment, anger, anxiety and a lack of emotional safety.

Third Wheel Syndrome: One person feels left out during the experience, like they're just an observer rather than an active participant.

Pressure and Regret: Someone didn't really want to participate but felt pressured—either by themselves to be more ‘adventurous’ or by others—and regrets it soon after.

Broken Boundaries: Before the threesome, boundaries were set, but during the act, these boundaries were ignored or forgotten, leading to feelings of betrayal.

Aftermath Awkwardness: After the threesome, the dynamics between individuals, especially if they were friends beforehand, become awkward, strained, or irreparably damaged. Seeing each other naked or mid-sex can unfortunately bring up a world of odd feelings and sensations.

Lack of Aftercare: Especially for those new to such experiences, the emotional and physical aftermath can be intense. Lack of proper aftercare—reassurances, cuddling, talking it out—can leave someone feeling used or discarded.

Hidden Agendas: One partner wanted the threesome for reasons they didn't disclose, like wanting to be with the third person alone or hoping it would lead to an open relationship.

Mismatched Desires: The act starts, but it becomes clear that each person's desires and limits are vastly different, making the experience disjointed and unsatisfactory for one or more participants.

Lack of Trust: The experience was shared with someone who later broke the trust of the participants, either by gossiping, sharing private details, or not respecting post-threesome boundaries.

Steps to avoid a bad threesome experience

Mutual Consent: Every participant should genuinely want to participate, free from pressure or persuasion. If anyone feels unsure, it's best to delay or reconsider. And coercion is not consent.

Open Communication: Initiate a candid conversation with all participants about desires, boundaries, fears, and potential concerns. Everyone should be clear about their expectations. 

Set Clear Boundaries: Discuss and define what activities are permissible and which ones are off-limits. Respect and stick to these boundaries throughout.

Discuss Potential Jealousy: Address feelings of potential jealousy upfront, especially for couples, and determine how you'll manage these emotions. 

Safety First: Agree on safe sex practices, get recent STI tests, and ensure necessary protections like condoms and dental dams are available. 

Establish a Safe Word: Choose a word or signal that anyone can use if they want to stop, change, or pause the activity. 

Limit Alcohol and Drugs: These can impair judgment, reduce communication. Stay sober or limit consumption. 

Check-In: Pause to gauge everyone's comfort levels during the experience. If anyone feels uneasy or left out, address it.

Aftercare: After the threesome, spend time checking in with each other. Discuss feelings and ensure everyone feels respected and valued.Taking feedback is also part of aftercare! Building a good experience can help you create more of them. Trying to make it better for everyone involved is also part of aftercare.

Reconnect: Whether you’re a couple that got involved, friends, co-workers or a throuple, it helps to spend time together afterward, processing and reconnecting. 

Maintain Confidentiality: Respect everyone's privacy post-experience. Avoid sharing details with outsiders unless there's mutual agreement.

Threesomes should be looked at with the lens of intimacy & empathy. They can be amazing, life fulfilling experiences if done with the right intentions.