Unbearable Pressure to be Kinky

"Embrace your inner brat"

"Having a sex toy is liberating!"

"Choke me, daddy"

"It's 2025, we eat ass now"

But do we?

Do we really?

All of us?

Is this sexual liberation?

Now we’ll admit, some of these phrases have come from us too and we LOVE talking about stepping towards kink or preparing yourself for them, but today we have a new question for you— is it all getting a bit too much?

While it is absolutely a victory to see so many more people openly discussing their desires and fantasies that are otherwise labelled as ‘kinks’ or ‘fetishes’ and add nuances of consent and power dynamics to those conversations, we can’t help but wonder if the growing discourse also makes people feel like they have to participate in it. Like you have to have kinks or be into some level of BDSM to qualify as a sexually-active adult.

And how is that fair?

A lot of us were first introduced to sex and intimate play where power dynamics were already at play. Some of us first became sexual through solo play and have already spent years waiting to share and create pleasure with a partner.

We’ve explored sex with people who had more experience than we did, we chanced upon porn that introduced us to way too many ideas about sex and how to do it, we’ve even played along with the curiosities of our partners or hook-ups and ventured out of our comfort zones over extended periods of time. 

But maybe some of us just want easy and simple now. 

No leather and leashes or butt plugs and candle wax.

So how do we make room for that conversation?

Funnily enough, it’s a lot like the practice you’d put into accepting your kinky side. By taking it easy, taking a step back from the narratives that are constantly being fed to you, and connecting with people who can relate and reassure you and by communicating these desires and preferences with partners.

Ask yourself this— if the tropes you see in porn or the discourse around kinks and pleasure don’t quite resonate with you or seem to represent you, then what does? What actually makes you feel desired in your ideal everyday situations and what role do other people play in your sense of sexual confidence and desirability?

What are some parts of yourself, your daily routine and your environments that make you feel sexy? 

What are some parts of your partner/s that are non-sexual at the surface but still make you feel drawn to them, connected to them, and in the mood for sexual play?

What does sex mean to you when it’s just you and the voices in your mind and not the ones you hear in the outside world or online?

Define your spaces and preferred positions.

69, corkscrew, wheelbarrow, pile driver, the eagle, leapfrog… There’s always a wish list of positions for sex. (One of those was written as a joke about the sheer number of names out there, but turned out to be a real position. Can you guess which one?)

Being content with missionary and not wanting to try new positions is just like not wanting to try all 31 flavours of ice cream at Baskin’s because you know their Gold Medal flavour is your favourite (It’s their absolute best and we will hear no argument about it). 

Wanting to have sex in the comfort of your bed in a position you’re comfortable with doesn’t make your sex life boring. It makes it safe, authentic, empowering and you.

Sexual liberation then, according to us, is knowing what you want after having all the information presented to you and going for it, while also not shaming others for what they want. 

So do what floats your boat and experiment if you feel like, you don’t have to be curious about things you already feel confident about not wanting.

"It’s 2025, we do what our hearts desire”