Honorifics

Ever heard ‘honorific’ used in the context of intimacy? Contrary to the belief that it's reserved for kink or BDSM circles, honorifics subtly permeate our daily exchanges with partners.

When my partner opts for my name instead of the usual affectionate “babe”, I sense I messed up. 

Each of these terms—be it “babe”, “kaddu”, “jaan”, “ji”, or “Mister”—serves as an unspoken signal of the warmth and closeness shared.

In India, honorifics like “Ji”, “Sahib”, or “Babu” aren’t merely formalities; they weave through conversations, cementing bonds and reflecting cultural subtleties. 

These words dance quietly but significantly, delineating relationships’ dynamics and the society's undercurrents. While “Ji” whispers respect, “Sahib” and “Babu” often cradle a sense of masculine care and protection in intimate dialogues.

Women-specific honorifics like “Smt” and “Kumari” add weight to marital identifiers, subtly echoing societal expectations and life’s different stages. 

Yet, it’s crucial to note that these gentle terms cast shadows, too, reflecting society's broader, and sometimes problematic, dynamics, including issues of caste and class.

Thus, using intimate honorifics isn’t merely about expressing affection—it’s a dance through the nuanced landscape of intimacy, societal norms, and cultural expectations in India, with each term whispering tales of a deeply entrenched cultural narrative.

This article is for the people who love vanilla (like I do), people who like the conventional, and are sometimes too shy to explicitly ask for what we want, and when neurodivergence feels like a barrier with communicating through ‘socially acceptable’ ways.

You don’t need to be into kink and BDSM to learn new ways to communicate your desires.

Honorific in BDSM

Common examples of BDSM-related honorifics are Master/Mistress, Daddy/Mommy, Dom/Domme, Pet, Sir, Goddess, Princess, Kitten etc.

These honorifics are used for:

Clarifying Roles:

• Honorifics help to establish and reinforce the roles and dynamics in a scene or relationship.

Expressing Respect:

• Using honorifics signals respect and acknowledgment of the other individual’s position or authority in the dynamic.

Setting the Tone:

• These titles contribute to creating the desired atmosphere and psychological space for the participants.

So, what does this have to do with communication in non-kinky but intimate settings?

Asking for sex, initiating sex, and making a move in general, doesn’t come easily. Using sexual words if you’re shy, anxious or a survivor of trauma, can feel excruciating.

Initiating sex when there’s a chance your partner may turn you down and not be in the mood or may be busy, can also feel like a personal rejection.

But initiating sex or making your desires known by calling your partner a specific name whose sole purpose is to exist for intimate moments within your private spaces, can be a game changer.

“Are you going to bed early tonight, Tiger?” can be your way to ask your partner if they’re too tired, while also using a special honorific that lets them know you’re in the mood for sex. 

Don’t call them your Tiger outside of the bedroom, use it only when initiating sex or checking in during the act, and watch how their ears turn red as they slowly associate this new name with sexual intimacy.

“No, but I will be reading for a while babe” could in turn, be their way of acknowledging you while also using a non-sexual honorific to let you know that they don’t feel available for sex at the moment. 

It’s a gentler, kinder, warmer let-down– one that cradles your nervous system a lot more than the words “naah I really don’t want to have sex tonight”.

Alternatively, you might hear your partner respond to you with their own bedroom honorific for you. It’s sweeter, cuter, and filled with a lot more affection than something sexually explicit that might bring more anxiety and heart palpitations to the moment.

It’s about playing with language and intimacy in ways that work for you. Pressuring yourself to call your partner a slut or being referred to as Daddy/Goddess is not something that everyone wants, especially not all the time.

As more and more people talk about bringing Dirty Talk to the bedroom, allow yourself the space to define communication in the bedroom in ways that actually support your sexuality.

As more and more content around Kinks, Fetishes and BDSM begins to pop up around you, try and engage with it in an effort to adopt those ideas and strategies for boundaries in your own life. 

You don’t have to partake in BDSM or be a passionate supporter of it to consider its potential uses in your everyday life.