Cumming too soon.
What is too soon?
Is it 3 minutes? Or 10? Or is 15 too little too?
What’s the ideal time someone with a penis should last in bed? Don’t google it.
Based on your own experiences, how long do you wish your partner/s would last in bed? Do you have a timeframe? Do they know what it is? Have you ever talked about how you could make that happen together?
More importantly, is a healthy sex life assessed by just an hourglass? Am I only as worthy as a man and as a sexual partner as my ability to delay my climax in bed?
Someone once told me they needed their man to last an hour in bed. I honestly can’t even guarantee one hour of nonstop run-time in most vibrators, nor would I recommend it.
This idea of expecting people to last longer in bed isn’t new. There’s so many jokes in movies, TV shows, stand-up sketches, whatsapp forwards, social scenes… You won’t even need to think too long (See what I did there?) or too hard (I am on FIRE). I honestly don’t know who to blame.
Flawed education systems, the media, comedians, or... myself? Because I don’t have ED or premature ejaculation, but my cupboard is still filled with delay sprays, creams, condoms to make me last longer and 3 different types of cock rings. If you’re looking for a solution to lasting longer or a branded product recommendation in this piece, there isn’t one. This article is about my journey, about exploring why I wanted to last longer, and encouraging you to do some exploring of your own.
Stage 1 Escaping jokes
The first reason I remember wanting to last longer in bed was to not be laughed at. I had just seen American Pie and I died a little inside as I thought about cumming too soon during my first time with a beautiful person. So, I started learning “Tantric Sex” or at least, that’s how the idea of ‘naturally’ prolonging your climax was sold to me.
To have more control over the timing of my orgasm, and delaying the gratification on a meta and a physical level. It didn’t help. Mostly, I believe, because I was practising it while masturbating. But when you actually are in front of a person you’re attracted to, all that solo practice and prep goes flying out the window.
Stage 2 Protecting my masculinity aka “Mard ban”
I was convinced that I would be less of a man if I didn’t satisfy my partner by thrusting away and lasting longer in bed. At this stage, my ‘masculinity’ had still not received the memo on clitorises, or even realised its love for all genders. So, I did the easiest thing I could. I got a delay condom that promised me that I would last longer. I put it on and got intimate with my partner. 3 minutes in? I couldn’t feel much. 2 more minutes later? My penis got soft. A few moments later? I was absolutely limp. My fragile masculinity? Shattered.
Stage 3 Do it for love
I wanted to give my partner the world. If they had asked me to bring all the world’s stars and lay them at their feet, I would have done that too. I wanted to last longer for them. To show them how much I loved them. I didn't, however, ask if they even wanted this from me. I simply assumed. I tried doing math in my head while making love to distract myself, thought about movie scenes, and tried staring at a spot away from them too. We broke up soon after. They said I felt far and was never really present.
Stage 4 The Mad Scientist
I needed to fix this. It felt like the problem was me. Little did I know that I was the Anti-hero. I tested more condoms. I tested delay creams that I had found when travelling internationally. I tried different types of exercises and diets. I timed myself. Sang “Eye of the tiger” in my head. And honestly? It got a little better. I was lasting longer. I found the right mix in different ways.
Using a condom? Take the delay condom. Wear it and then wipe it off and wear a regular condom. That way, there is no risk of transference to my partner and the delay chemicals aren’t on my skin long enough to leave me limp.
Using delay spray or creams? Put it on my penis and then wait for a few minutes before washing it off completely. Same logic as the condom. Not too long, just leave it on for a bit.
Using cock rings? If the cock ring doesn't sit well just on the shaft of the penis, use it to go around the scrotum and the shaft. It helps, but I prefer ones which wrap around the base of only the shaft much more I had finally found the Goldilocks Method for delaying my orgasms! And yet, I wasn’t satisfied. I remember sitting down one day and trying to figure out why I enjoyed masturbating more than I enjoyed having sex. What was wrong with me?
Stage 5 Communication
I was tired. I just wanted to enjoy sex. I wanted to take time to touch my partner. I wanted to see them, I wanted them to see me too. So I tried the one thing I should have done ages ago. I talked to my partner about my fears and about lasting longer. It’s not much of a revelation, I know. But it worked. Does that mean I stopped using products to delay my orgasms? No. I found joy in sex through communication and support. Once my partner told me what they wanted & I told them what I wanted, we became a team. They knew which nights we would want to extend our sessions and would pass me the towel to wipe away the delay spray or cream at the right time.
We also worked together to choose which days they would want me to wear the cock ring. Not only because it helped but because it looked hot on me. And on days when we were out of everything, we just used the lube from delay condoms and switched to the regular ones. It was an effort during sex, yes. But even the stages building up to it and following it were just as intense. Talking to my partner and delaying myself with them was everything. I’m finally having the orgasms I want to. And when they make me astral project or briefly travel in time? I’m finally able to think less about my timing and enjoy my orgasm for all that it is— a product of love, support and a whole lot of self-discovery.