How To Support a Survivor of Sexual Violence

This is not an easy read.

Nor was it an easy one to write.

I have spent the last six years of my life trying to make basic sense of the incident that left me feeling violated. The flashbacks, the auditory overwhelm, the cycles of burnout… all of them have been a nightmare to unpack. While the symptoms of this type of trauma have steadily become easier to control, I’d be lying if I said they don’t still resurface.

While accessing mental health support and defining justice on our own terms is an obvious part of respecting the needs of survivors, another facet of trauma healing is support from loved ones.

I am no expert on mental health or trauma recovery. But opening up to my loved ones about the incident in my life, and watching them slowly open up to me about the violations they have survived too, has given me some insight on how we can better hold space for each other.

This is not a complete guide to supporting survivors, but I hope it can serve as a starting point.

Here is everything that my loved ones did right, and everything we did wrong, in our process of learning to build safer spaces for each other.

 

Do not be the saviour

While it is understandable to feel a strong reaction when you hear about a loved one being assaulted, especially when the perpetrator is a known individual, it really does not help to make the conversation about you. When my male friends responded to me with comments like “I wish I was there” or “Wait till I see him next”, it only took the spotlight away from my confusion and pain and put it on their anger instead.

This made me feel even more disconnected from them, and it made me feel like they felt the violation was of their egos and not my own body or safety.

When you experience anger as a survivor opens up to you, it may be better to articulate it with statements like “This should not have happened to you” or “I can’t believe they would do this to you” instead. This allows you to be actively involved in the conversation without hiding your feelings, while also validating the survivor’s feelings around the event.

 

Do not dig for details

Another mistake we tend to make in difficult conversations around abuse or trauma is asking the person to provide more details of the incident. Sometimes we ask these questions because we want to believe that our loved one was never harmed, and we want so badly for them to be wrong about the event they are describing. In situations where we may know the perpetrator, it is even harder to believe that this really happened.

But probing for details is unnecessary, harmful, and can potentially reignite memories of little details for the survivor that can lead to an episode of retraumatisation. Before asking them questions about the event, ask yourself this— do I really need the answer for what I am about to ask them?

If the answer is “I just want to know”, then maybe you are unintentionally shifting focus away from your loved one’s needs and redirecting them towards your own. You are also at risk of traumatising yourself by asking for too much detail. Instead, check in with yourself to see what your capacity is, and explain to the survivor that you are open to hearing as much as they would like to share.

If you are going through something yourself and need a few days to be available for this conversation, ask your loved one if they have someone else to lean on while you gather your strength to sit down and talk to them.

 

Do not define justice for the survivor

It’s not wrong to want justice for your loved ones. It’s also not wrong to wish hell upon the person who has hurt someone so close to you. But remember this— rape is already an act in which your loved one was robbed of the control they wished to have upon themselves and their environment. Their communication of their needs and boundaries has already been neglected or ignored.

By defining justice for them and insisting on how they should move forward, you are more likely to isolate and dehumanise them. Instead, ask them what they would like to do. Maybe they want to quit their job or move out of their current residence. Maybe they want to stay indoors and go on leave for a few months. Maybe they do want your help with calling the cops and giving them a statement. It’s up to them to choose, and for you to support and respect those choices.

 

Ensure they retain control

One of the main facets of recovering from rape is defining and regaining a sense of control. Sexual control aside, tiny reminders of not having control over our immediate environments, our jobs, our health, our finances or our schedules can also lead to strong internal reactions that may present themselves as anger or anxiety.

Remind yourself that the survivor is experiencing these reactions towards a system that failed to keep them safe, and not specifically towards you. Offer them support as they navigate their strong emotions and make sure to take healthy breaks for yourself as well.

While the process of recovering from rape is a long and daunting one, the process of supporting a survivor can also be gruelling and scary. Don’t be afraid to admit you need breaks, don’t be afraid of admitting if the incident has compromised your own sense of safety, and please seek mental health support that allows you to recover as you support your loved one’s recoveries as well. There is no individual healing without community healing.