I Came But Didn’t Orgasm

“I had to fake an orgasm.”

Sadly a lot of people do.

“I had to fake an orgasm & I’m a man.” 

That’s… a little less common.

“I had to fake an orgasm but I ejaculated.”

That’s not possible. Right? 

The first few times it happened to me I was masturbating and didn’t think much of it. I shrugged it off as some form of post nut clarity, where I just didn’t feel the release. Maybe I was just scratching an itch. Maybe the porn I was looking at was bleh. Because I clearly wanted to cum. I was aroused, and I ejaculated, but I didn’t feel like I had an orgasm.

I realised there was an issue when I was having sex with my partner and I came but didn’t have an orgasm. So I faked it. Made all the right sounds that I usually do during an orgasm.

Why wasn’t I feeling what I usually do with an orgasm?

Should I have told her?

What would I even say? 

I decided to get to the bottom of it. I did my own research & spoke to a few experts.

Sexual Anhedonia or Pleasure Dissociative Orgasmic Disorder (PDOD)

It has a name and yet, I had no idea what was happening to me. I needed to understand what it really is. Was it as simple as being depressed and/or dissociated?

“It is thought that people with sexual anhedonia have a dysfunction in the release of the chemical dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, the brain's primary reward center.”

This might not make sense on the get-go but it clicked well with me. I have ADHD– literally a condition where I am unable to regulate my dopamine levels. It made things clearer for me but I still didn’t understand why it was happening to me now. I have had an active sex life for a long time and I have been medicated for ADHD for years. What changed?

What exactly happens when you orgasm?

It triggers a flood of chemicals in the brain, causing muscle contractions and often involuntary movements or sounds. It’s a whole-body experience that leads to a powerful sense of pleasure as signals travel to the brain’s pleasure centers.

Mentally and emotionally, an orgasm can feel like a rush of euphoria, a sense of relief, and a profound connection to one's body and partner, if present. The brain releases a surge of chemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin, contributing to feelings of happiness, relaxation, and intimacy.

Now imagine your body reacting to the act of sex without those emotions. You feel the muscles contract, you see your body ejaculating but your brain feels absolutely nothing. Your brain just refused to release dopamine. It can feel confusing, frustrating, scary and downright devastating.

What can be the causes of this?

Unfortunately, a plethora of things:

• Mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, ADHD etc
• Medication used to treat mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, ADHD
• Stress in general
• High Prolactin levels
• Chronic Fatigue
• Low Testosterone
• Lifestyle issues such as bad diet, lack of sleep & exercise
• Ageing
• Trauma
• Relationship issues

Relationships

Most people might worry they are falling out of love with their partner. Have they suddenly lost their spark? Should they spice up their life with kinky acts or toys?It’s a fair response, but not exactly the right one to have. 

You need to first communicate with your partner. Tell them exactly what is happening and try to figure out what the causes could be. 

They may notice changes in your lifestyle that you probably don’t realise. Making healthy changes to better your physical and mental health would be key. Whether that looks like therapy, work life balance to mitigate stress, changing meds or even working out again.

Just don’t confuse the lack of hormones your brain refuses to produce properly with a lack of love or attraction. Our brains can be stupid and they need to listen to our body (or heart) a little better sometimes.

What about when you’re not in a relationship?

The same steps apply. Figure out if there have been changes in your life that are affecting you and take the necessary steps to get help or help yourself.

Dissociation VS Ejaculatory Anhedonia

There’s very little out there about the difference between the two. Hell, there’s very little information on Ejaculatory Anhedonia. I can give you a bit of an insight on the difference between them from my point of view and experiences.

Dissociation is a psychological state where a person feels disconnected from their thoughts, emotions, or body, often triggered by stress or trauma. During s-x, it can create a sense of detachment, as if you’re watching the experience from outside yourself. This can lead to feelings of emptiness, difficulty experiencing pleasure, and challenges in connecting with your partner.

Ejaculatory anhedonia specifically affects the pleasurable aspect of orgasm, causing a disconnection from the expected sensations of sexual release. To a point where I was mentally and emotionally present for the act but my hormones and neurotransmitters simply did not participate. It’s important to understand the difference between the two so you can find the right therapist or healthcare professional, or find the correct course of action by yourself.

Ejaculatory Anhedonia is on a spectrum. According to experts there are people out there who have always faced this problem, for some it comes & goes, and for others it comes at a later stage in life and may stick around until something has been done about it. It can happen to any gender. It is more apparent in men because of the act of ejaculation which signifies that an orgasm must accompany it.

It was very important for me to understand what was happening with my body & knowing that it has a name already helped me a lot. I knew what I had to do and if it did happen again when I was with my partner. I wouldn’t panic, be confused or devastated. I would know the appropriate aftercare needed for myself and my partner.

I won’t have to fake an orgasm.