Ode to Vanilla Sex

Is that a thing?

Do we still talk about enjoying, loving or even preferring vanilla sex anymore?

Or has the conventional become embarrassing and uncool?

In the first two weeks of my conversations with a guy, he sent me a BDSM test. It was like a Buzzfeed quiz to check how our kinks match and how compatible we would be in Dom/sub scenes or in impact play.

While it was almost refreshing to be asked these questions over the standard “are you a cat or dog person?” I have to say I was disappointed.

Is my value as a sexual partner determined by my silent tolerance of kinky play? Am I only worthy if I like being bound, gagged, spanked or choked? Do I really have to like group sex, name calling, sex toys, anal play or exhibitionism?

In an effort to expand conversations around kink, I’m afraid we sometimes propel the idea that this is the only way to be sexually active, or intimate, or worse— a happy and secure adult. For me, it felt like the entire internet was laughing at me. Telling me I was childlike or silly for not craving the touch of leather or latex, for not recognising it as symbols of care.

But I find so much comfort in knowing what is going to happen in such a vulnerable situation. I know the kiss that comes first, the way my lover’s hands move down my body and pause to unbutton or unzip what he can.

The orgasm I achieve with such a safe space is earth shattering. Vanilla sex to me is like a dance routine, a recipe for a great dish, or the comfort of watching reruns. It all holds true. This isn’t to say experimentation or kink are bad. But there is no true sexual liberation if we, once again, fall into this pattern of idealising one type of sex while trivialising or diminishing another perfectly consensual and safe form of sexual play.

This is an ode to Vanilla. 

And how is it different from kinky sex or BDSM? I have looked for this answer among several resources— experienced kink influencers, online articles, etc. Many will tell you that the distinction lies in the acts.

Vanilla is making love. BDSM is adrenaline-fuelled, dimly lit, dungeon sex where my Dom doesn’t care how I like my breakfast or ask about my day. Or so you think. But I disagree.

BDSM is not just in the act of impact or control, it is in the negotiation of boundaries and limits and wants before and after the act. This means Vanilla is in the act of exploring sex without those scripts and negotiations.

It’s looser, less defined, offers more spontaneity and silence within the realm of safety and pleasure, and oral or penetrative sex are often the main events. And that’s what I crave most.

The comfort of knowing how my partner will move, in general, over the course of the night, without me having to explicitly tell them how to proceed from Touch 1 to Touch 2, or Act 1 to Act 2.

I like being a little quiet during sex sometimes, I love being surprised by a partner moving a certain way without me having ever even told him to do so. I like the way he kisses my thighs after I climax because I smiled that one time that he did it and he remembers to do it more often now.

I love the way we don’t always know who’s taking the lead during sex, and slowly discover the mood we are in as we gently let the night take us wherever it wishes.

I think this idea that BDSM and Vanilla are not defined by acts themselves but by the mindset and communication styles around both practices. People often think Vanilla is for people in love, that BDSM is for the unloved and loveless. But neither style of sex is a proof of love. There can be BDSM with love, and there can be vanilla without any.

I write this ode to vanilla not because it is better than BDSM. Not because it carries more love, or more fun, or less injuries, or less trauma, or is the only ‘normal’ way to have sex.

I write this ode because life is messy. And sometimes, taking your own time to understand a boundary or express it, is okay too. I write this ode because sometimes I don’t want to tell a partner not to grab my hair, but prefer to hold his wrist and gently guide it away from my hair and watch him be present enough to understand the gesture.

Vanilla sex could never be boring to me. It’s the calmest, slowest and longest dance I’ve ever done and there’s nothing hotter to me than a partner who can move with me.