Fleshlights and My Masculinity

Vibrators are empowering. Fleshlights are not. 

That’s what I have learned from people online, primarily from cis men and cis women.

“Any man who uses a fleshlight isn’t really a man”

“What a loser”

“Can’t get laid or what?”

“Get a girlfriend!”

“The guy I was dating had a fleshlight. Red flag alert!”

What makes dildos, butt plugs, vibrators such an act of empowerment in the sexual health space but fleshlights a blotch to masculinity? Where are the pleasure based tools and education materials for cis men? In the locker room? I fucking hope not. 

I am pissed off. Not in defence of my own journey with fleshlights, but in defiance.

There is a problem with fleshlights. It looks like a dismembered body part. 

I find it very uncomfortable when I see silicone vaginas or mouths as flesh lights. It’s creepy to me. It reduces people to body parts. 

Internationally, people are learning from this and they are changing the way fleshlights are designed. The Sangya 360 and Sangya 100 are examples of this changing mindset.

The vibrators we see now are also becoming less phallic and more shaped to hit pleasure points in the body. The industry is learning. We should too.

Masculinity

“If you use XYZ, you’re not a man”

This reeks of insecurity. How I masturbate has got to be something you don’t get to judge. When I was growing up, a classmate told me “If you need to use lube on your girl, then you failed at making her wet”.

So, here’s what I have taken from this:

A man doesn’t use masturbatory & sexual tools.

No lube.

No hand cream.

No vaseline.

No fleshlights.

Just apna haath (your hand). Because our manhood lies in our pain and apparently, a whole lot of friction.

How is this not in the same realm as Toxic Masculinity?

It makes men believe that masculinity is all about not needing support & always performing at 100%. You’re not allowed to need assistance for your pleasure or your health, ever.

The toll it takes on the mental health of men is astronomical. If any man admits to their mental health being damaged by their friends and trolls saying these things to them? Well, what a pussy. He’s not a man. 

Is a man’s identity really so frail, his masculinity so volatile, that one dollop of lube can make it all come crashing down? Or that masturbating with a fleshlight means that we are failing socially because we don’t explore pleasure in the arms of cis women alone?

The “bro code” of masculinity reveals more faults in the facade. So all acts that defy the arbitrary codes must be met with degradation.

When all else fails in the process of embracing our own flawed masculinities, the easiest way forward is to then rob someone else of their access to happy masculine expression.

Trying to explain the wonders of fleshlights, and the sensations it can provide that a calloused hand cannot, is such a reach. Logic doesn’t work, because this is not a conversation based on logic. 

It’s based on patriarchal power, and the fragile sensibilities of any oppressive mindset that panics at the thought of being challenged.

Uses

All anger aside, here is how a fleshlight may actually bring some value to you:

• Pleasure
• Lasting longer
• Couple play

Pleasure

Fleshlights will change the game when it comes to masturbation. Soft TPE paired with lube feels phenomenal. It makes the suspension of disbelief stronger which makes your orgasms that much more intense. 

Lasting Longer

I also use it as a sexual aid. You must have read my article about how I tried various ways to last longer— from ashwaganda and shilajit to using delay sprays, creams and condoms.

One of my non-nutraceutical strategies was using a fleshlight. It helped me understand the types of strokes that would help me last longer in bed, what kind of movement I like and which makes me orgasm too quick. 

Using the delay sprays, condoms etc to test with the fleshlight helped me avoid any sort of awkwardness with my partners because I already knew what dosage or movement would work & how to manoeuvre through the process of application without it ruining the mood in bed. 

Couple Play

Phone sex has never felt this good. A partner on the phone using a vibrator while you are using a fleshlight as you dirty talk each other. This is just going to make the distance less painful, bring you closer & make phone sex that much more intimate.

These factors matter. Because the conversation around fleshlights or any pleasure product is not one of morality and progressive values alone.

It’s in accepting and normalising what makes you feel good. Being more in control gives you a greater emotional and sexual vocabulary, which makes it easier to share that knowledge with a future partner. 

Having greater control and satisfaction with your solo sex life is inherently a good thing all on its own. The sooner we can get rid of the stigma and bullshit shame from sex toys, the sooner we can allow men to take greater control of their own sexuality. 

To the people who are still going to comment and pass judgements because 1 Insta post with a 1000 words isn’t going to change the world of toxic masculinity— 

Stay out of my bedroom.

Tu apna dekh.