I have anxiety & ADHD. So naturally, everyone’s solution to my problem is,
“Meditation and Yoga”
Apart from the handy… “Arre, don’t stress!”
I tried my best. I did everything in my power to sit, lie down, and stay still but it just didn’t work. My mind wandered, my body fidgeted, my leg bounced up and down, I needed to scratch my nose & (god knows why) I HAD to crack my knuckles.
Eventually, I would give up.
And then one day I started dating a person who, like myself, wanted to experiment in the bedroom with different kinks. I was down for it.
We came across rope play and it immediately caught our fancy. Now I’m going to be honest— I thought they wanted to be tied up, so I went down a rabbit hole of learning all the knots, and all the right ways to tie someone up safely.
Until the day of our first rope play attempt came around, and they just looked at me and asked, “So, do you want me to tie your hands first or your legs?”
My cis male mind never went to the image of being tied up… ever. I had too much energy, and sex was a performative act for me. I must please, I must be in charge, I must make the decisions and take the lead.
Otherwise, was I actually a “man”?
My partner put all those fears & insecurities to rest. I felt safe, and they began to tie me up.
Eventually, through an intimate reassuring process, I was bound. My hands, my legs, neatly tied together and I stayed there as they sat on top of me and looked at me lovingly.
My jaw unclenched, my shoulders relaxed, I could feel my anxiety melt away in their arms.
I let go, and I was finally free.
For those of you who don’t suffer from ADHD & anxiety, you probably have no idea how freeing it feels to be present. It’s rare and it’s overwhelming.
I had tears in my eyes as I was made love to. I could feel every touch, every movement, and every breath. I was free and in the care of a loved one.
Who knew the act of constraining or restricting someone might actually be the very thing that frees them?
Bondage and BDSM don’t sound so dark and gritty anymore, do they?
Just like any other form of sexual intimacy/kink, information from porn or movies can be toxic and completely misinformed. While BDSM does offer a space for darkness, intensity, adrenaline, and release from typical social expectations, it can also offer forms of care and nourishment that aren’t often discussed in mainstream media.
And that’s what I hope everyone takes from this piece today— the reminder that BDSM acts also fall within a spectrum. One where you get to decide the level of familiarity and contact you have with the people you play with, one where you get to choose the dynamics and acts that bring you the feeling you’re looking for, and the one common thread that ties these acts and experiences together is a shared respect and desire to experience a sexual or non-sexual act in ways that are freeing for everyone involved.
For my partner that night? They were able to finally accept and learn that their hands can use a tool as scary and tricky as rope, and use it to create an environment of care and intimacy. They found that joy through carefully tying me up, and now we are bound to each other through more than just cotton rope.
Every part of Bondage can be loving, safe & freeing.
(Also such orgasmic. Much wow.)
For beginners out there, I would suggest reading up on bondage first.
Follow Shibari accounts on Instagram, play around with dupattas or scarves at home and get acquainted with the sight and feel of a bondage item first.
Who knows what you might find out about yourself?