The Art of Intimacy: Embracing the Beauty of Handjobs and Fingering

Do you remember your first sexual encounter? The details usually vary with each generation or community. For many millennials I know, the journey typically began with a handjob. This was my introduction to intimacy, and it remains one of the most wholesome, heartfelt experiences of my life. I vividly recall it taking place in my home while my then-girlfriend had ostensibly come over to "study". We had adopted the concept of 'bases' from Hollywood teen movies, a perspective steeped in Western sensibilities. For us, first base was making out, second base was touching over the shirt, and third base equated to a hand job. The definitions may differ. Some may equate third base with oral sex, but in our worldview, that fell under the umbrella of intercourse, our metaphorical home run.

Reaching third base was considered the epitome of the teenage intimate experience, and we were both ready. She was prepared to see 'it' in real life, and I was ready - albeit extremely nervous - to have someone else handle 'it'. It's an anxiety-inducing situation when you're unsure if you're large enough, attractive enough, or firm enough for your partner, especially when your only point of reference has been actors or models in risque media. But when it happened, it was beautiful. She held 'it' gently, maintained eye contact, and massaged me, taking cues from my breathing and reactions. She was attentive to my verbal guidance, receptive to learning the correct grip and movements. Did we ever break eye contact? Not once.

Our breaths grew heavier, and when I finally climaxed, we shared a kiss and cuddled, with me hastily pulling up my underwear. We never risked undressing fully. The experience was tender, affectionate, intimate, and sensual. It reinforced our bond like nothing else. Though we eventually parted ways, I firmly believe that neither of us could reminisce about that experience without a hint of a smile. So, here's an ode to the hand job. A handjob is more than a gateway to other intimate activities; it's an act of affection and intimacy in its own right. By understanding a partner's bodily response to touch, a person can foster trust, deepen connections, and explore various avenues of pleasure, thereby heightening the sense of intimacy.

And fingering is no amateur act either.

From learning how to find the right spots, to making sure your fingers aren’t too forceful, too stiff, too limp or too dry, the art of fingering to explore your partner’s unique likes and dislikes is exactly that… an art form.

But what makes good hand game feel so damn good?

It can’t be the movement and dexterity alone. Because the technique and motion changes with each person we pleasure and absolutely cannot be approached with a one-size-fits-all mentality.

Communication & Consent

Understanding individual preferences through open dialogue is essential. Expressing our hard limits ensures comfort and enjoyment. Continual check-ins and receptiveness to feedback create a trusting environment. Most importantly, we must respect each other's boundaries and have the freedom to stop at any time. Handjobs and fingering can also be a meaningful expression of affection and intimacy, strengthening the bond between partners as you explore and enjoy each other's pleasure.

Feedback, instructions and adaptability

Most sexual confidence and ‘prowess’ is not just about how many hours you can put in or how long you can go on for. It’s about how well you take feedback, how well you give and take instructions, and how well you’re able to adapt to a partner’s mood, needs, requests and fantasies while also honouring your boundaries and limitations.

Eye Contact and Mental Presence

While physical technique is essential, the emotional and psychological aspects of intimacy also contribute significantly to the experience. Maintaining eye contact during the act can heighten the emotional connection. It creates an environment of openness and vulnerability, fostering a deeper understanding between partners. Being present in the moment mentally, paying attention to your partner's reactions, and responding accordingly can dramatically enhance the experience. This mindfulness can lead to increased synchronicity between partners, creating a rhythm that intuitively matches your partner's desires.

Set the scene

Fingering can be raunchy, dirty, erotic, sensual, romantic, passionate, and anything else that you and your partners want it to be. But being on different pages about the mood you both are in, can also easily ruin the moment. Figure out the headspace that you and your partners are in, and set the scene accordingly. It doesn’t have to mean candles or roses. But keep the lights on and maintain steady eye contact if that’s what you both crave. Stand behind them and finger them in front of a mirror if that’s the type of intimacy and play you both feel like. But pay attention to the mood you’re in.

Lubrication and Safety

The skin around the penis is very thin and sensitive, as is the skin around the clitoris, the inner labia and vaginal region. It’s important to make sure you have the right lubrication for it. Lotions, oils, water-based / silicone-based / oil-based lubricants, or shower gel for the shower or bathtub can work wonders for handjobs, but for fingering the clit or vagina, your best options are unflavoured, water-based lubes for minimal irritation.

You can also use lubricated, textured condoms if your partner enjoys that sensation and use latex gloves for fingering to maintain a protective barrier throughout your acts of intimacy.

Health & Hygiene

Prioritizing cleanliness is paramount for a safe and enjoyable experience. Clean hands, trimmed nails, and the use of a lubricant that both partners are comfortable with are essential. Keeping tissues or a towel at hand for convenience is also advisable.

Techniques for Handjobs

Basic Stroke: Wrap your hand around the penis & apply a gentle up and down motion, adjusting grip and speed based on your partner's responses.

Grip Variation: Experiment with a twisting motion or alternate between a loose and firmer grip, tuning into your partner's reactions.

Dual Hand Technique: Use both hands simultaneously for continuous sensations. One focuses on the base, the other stimulates the tip for a dual sensation.

Frenulum Focus: The highly sensitive area located on the underside of the penis below the head. Gentle stroking or circular rubbing here can elicit intense sensations.

Perineum Pressure: The perineum, situated between the scrotum and the anus, can provide additional stimulation when gently massaged.

Ball Play: The often-neglected testicles can enhance pleasure when gently massaged or stroked, but remember to be gentle due to their sensitivity.

The 'Ring' Technique: Form a ring with your thumb and forefinger around the base of the penis and slowly move it upwards. Complement this with stroking the tip for varied stimulation. 

Edging: Edging involves bringing your partner close to orgasm, then reducing stimulation to delay the climax, leading to a more intense orgasm.

The 'Corkscrew': Instead of up-and-down movements, twist your hand around the shaft like unscrewing a light bulb for a unique sensation.

The 'Palm Swirl': Use the palm of your hand to gently swirl around the sensitive head of the penis, either alone or in combination with traditional stroking.

Techniques for Fingering

Tease and Delight: Begin your adventure with external stimulation. Using lubricated fingers, preferably in a condom or glove to maximise safety for all of you. Caress and tease your partner's most sensitive zones—the clitoris, the anal rim, or the perineum. Explore different pressures and rhythms and be open to changing your style based on your partner’s reactions.

The “Come Hither”: Gently insert one or two fingers into the vagina or anus and beckon the G-spot or the prostate with this delightful technique. Remember we all have curved vaginal canals and anal canals, so don’t push your finger/s straight in. Keep them loose and let your partner’s internal muscles guide you in the direction you need to move in.

Sensual Circles: Use circular motions to caress and stimulate your partner internally. This will increase the radius of play and draw attention to the parts around the G-spot and prostate. It also creates a feeling of fullness and more girth even if you insert only one or two fingers.

Embrace the Depth: As you venture deeper into the realm of pleasure, remember that each partner's comfort is paramount. Communicate openly and let their responses guide you on this journey of exploration. Take your time and savour each moment.

Worship the Clit: Honour the clitoris, always. Use your index and middle finger for insertion and play with the clit using your thumb, your other hand or amp up your play with your tongue.

Sexual play can be incredibly revealing of how present both of you really feel in your minds, bodies or environments. It’s never a personal failing if you find yourself dissociated during sex. But if intimacy and bonding is something you seek to some extent, it might help to find ways to be present during sex and to be with partners who feel present when they touch you and communicate with you.

Handjobs and fingering, just like any sexual act, play different roles in our sexual journeys.

They can be the first sexual experience we explore with someone before trying other sex acts with them, or it can be a replacement for penetrative sex or oral sex when you're not in the mood for those specific forms of play. They can also be relied on for quickies in the cinema, car, or shower, or for longer sessions of play at home or in a hotel. Something to do when you want to be intimate but are too tired for anything else. It’s an act of love, sex, bonding & communication. Use it well.