Is it just about watching each other... get off?
Watching, feeling, helping, hearing and so much more.
Not having orgasms from penetrative or partnered sex is common and normal. If you and your partner/s want to increase intimacy, mutual masturbation can be a great tool to experience orgasms together.
Mutual masturbation is when partners use their hands or toys to stimulate each other or themselves intimately. It can be done between two or more people. Like many other sexual activities, mutual masturbation is a way for partners to give each other pleasure or sexual stimulation, or watch each other pleasuring themselves.
Masturbation is often thought of as taboo, or a ‘substitute’ for partnered sex. The idea of sex within a romantic and/or legally recognised relationship is seen as the ideal, with masturbation being dismissed as a less valid option.
It is so ingrained in us, that some partners even look at masturbation as ‘cheating’. After all, it is supposed to be the partner’s ‘job’ to be a part of and provide all forms of pleasure and validation.
Except, that doesn’t work for everyone. We need to break this taboo. Masturbating with partners is so much more, like
- Stress relief, pain relief and self-care
- Discovery of a partner’s pleasure points
- Increases intimacy
- A healthy relationship with self and others
One of the safest and easiest ways to learn about how your partner likes being touched, is by watching them touch themselves. Not everyone is comfortable with using words to communicate what they like or what they crave. But mutual masturbation and watching each other lets you understand pressure, pleasure points, speed and even boundaries.
It allows your partner to show themselves to you with the added freedom of knowing that they have total control over their bodies. It even allows you to show them what you like and discover the pleasures and thrills of having them close to you as you touch yourself.
We suggest starting small by
- Exchanging photos consensually
- Exploring porn together
- Phone sex
Yes! Phone sex comes under mutual masturbation too. You can try and communicate what you’re doing to yourself at the moment, play out fantasies or even just stay on the phone listening to each other.
- Video calls
Video calls tend to be a bit tricky. It comes with it’s own set of anxieties where privacy is concerned. We suggest doing this only if both partners are comfortable and trust each other and the apps they use.
Once you have gotten comfortable or are already comfortable with each other, try masturbating in the same room!
You can start small with:
- Your backs against each other. This way you can start with leaning on one another, especially if eye contact makes you shy.
- Sitting side by side in front of a mirror, so you can watch each other’s reflection.
- Looking at each other while feeling yourself.
Mutual masturbation while touching each other
Now that you have seen the pressure, speed and where your partner likes to be touched, you can now elevate the experience by giving each other a helping hand!
Your partners can guide you with their own hands or use verbal commands. It may also help to discuss this beforehand or be careful with your language, because some words for specific body parts or acts can be upsetting or triggering for partners and it’s always good practice to gently discover language, acts, positions and touch with your partners. No two partners will be exactly alike, so don’t make assumptions.
This is also a great way to introduce toys into the bedroom. There are plenty of toys you can use to start with:
- Mini vibrators
- Finger massagers
- Silicone Dildos
- Crystal Wands
This way the partners involved can get comfortable with the feel and use of sex toys before you escalate to using them in the bedroom for partnered sex.
Now that you have this info, it’s important to assess whether you enjoy masturbation at all.
While masturbation is healthy and normal, it also isn’t the norm, and not wanting to do it or partake in it is healthy and normal as well.
Not wanting to watch your partner pleasure themselves is also normal, as long as you remember not to dictate what your partners do with their own bodies. Intimacy and sexuality can be expressed in countless ways, and we can only take ownership of our preferences and desires as individuals.
If this isn’t for you, don’t worry. It’s not for many people and that’s okay too. Just make sure you do it (or not do it) for the right, healthy reasons.