So you and your partner/s would like to try your hand at erotic spanking but aren’t yet sure of how and where to start? Don’t you worry, we’ve got your back.
Step 1: Establish your mutual intentions and purpose
Before anyone gets ready to bend over, it helps to discuss what the spanker and spankee hope to gain from a play session.
Is it pain itself?
Or is it humiliation?
Or is it the thrill of combining both that you hope to find through spanking?
Discussing your desires will help you understand each other better and give you a great starting point. If your partner is more interested in humiliation than impact itself, it may help to explore more verbal humiliation than it would be to unnecessarily escalate the intensity of impact that you exercise on your partner. And if they seek more pain than humiliation, name-calling or the idea of spanking as a ‘punishment’ may not be too desirable for them either.
Step 2: Discuss signals, cues, safe words and hard limits
While it is helpful to read each other’s body language and be attentive about physical signs of pleasure or distress, we can’t always accurately read body cues. Our partners may display stress or anxiety or pain in ways that we may not be able to identify, and it’s important for the session to feel safe and be controlled regardless.
Talk to your partner about how you can check in with them during play. Would they like to respond with hand signals? Would they like to use words?
Remember that communication and check-ins during impact play are vital, but can also be hard to do when someone is in sub-space. Ensuring that your partner remains in a responsive state will help both of you make your first time feel safe and sensual, and make room for both of you to explore what you’d like your next session to be like.
Step 3: Getting started
Like most sexual, sensual, erotic or high-energy activities, spanking too requires some warm up. This could mean talking about it, describing in detail where and how you would like to spank or be spanked, watching videos of impact play or BDSM punishments and so much more! You can also run your hand over your partner’s butt during foreplay and ask them if they would like to be spanked there.
It’s important to give each other some amount of emotional and/or physical intimacy before diving into any form of impact play, at least at the start. Catching each other by surprise or trying to be spontaneous about sexually charged activities can sometimes be more traumatising than pleasuring, and it takes time and communication to build up to a dynamic where things can be sped up or there can be room for safe surprises.
Step 4: Be predictable
Spanking is best done at a fixed rhythm, so your partner can feel safe in its predictability while also being aroused by the anticipation of the next hit.
- Spanking can easily trigger a childhood trauma response if you or your partner/s have ever received it as a form of punishment.
- Spanking can cause bruising, which may also feel unnerving to feel or look at after the high of impact play wears off.
- Safe spanking begins at a low intensity and gradually gets firmer with repeated responses and consent from the spankee.
A safe way to assess your partner’s pain threshold while simultaneously maintaining control over your own temperament and ‘Top’ persona, is by limiting the number of spanks to 5-7 and mentioning this beforehand. This will help ensure that neither of you get carried away in the moment and that both of you know exactly when the spanking will begin and end.
Following each spank with a slow and firm (or soft) stroking of the buttcheek is also a great way to ground yourself and your partner in the scene, provide multiple sensations to your partner to amplify the impact, and even helps prevent bruising!
Another way to minimise bruising (unless both of you have explicitly shared an interest in seeing a bruise?) is by shifting your aim ever so slightly with each spank. You can hit the same cheek through an entire play session, but move your palm a few centimetres with each spank to make sure you never hit the exact same spot multiple times.
Step 5: Aftercare!
Aftercare can look like a lot of different things, and it’s important to find what works best for you and your partner after a session. This could look like cuddling, kisses on the area that has just been spanked, a gentle massage with a moisturiser or aloe vera gel to soothe the spanked skin, watching a comforting show or playing some music, taking a warm or cool shower, and so much more.
Figure out what works for you, what works for your partners, how you can care for each other or seek alone time to soothe and ground yourselves.
- Spanking is not to be done in anger or in the ‘heat of the moment’ unless safety precautions are set in place and this scenario is discussed and consented to beforehand.
- Always spank with an open hand first, and do not use spanking tools like paddles or belts until you’ve worked your way up to them and learnt the safety requirements for each tool. Avoid combining spanking with the use of other sex toys or restraints or sex acts like penetrative play, as that can also lead to feelings of overwhelm or trauma.
- Spanking is done best on fleshy areas like the butt cheek, with some enjoying lighter taps on the upper thigh too. Do not hit sideways, each spank should be in an upward motion so the impact is directed at the cheek itself and not the sides. Do not hit around the lower back, tail bone or spine as that can result in injuries.
- Avoid wearing jewellery during impact play. Rings, bracelets, cuff links or bangles can lead to cuts or bruises.
- If the spankee/sub/bottom in this scenario eggs you on for more spanks than the number you had initially agreed upon, or eggs you on to hit you harder than you feel ready for, say no. Our partners can potentially be more Bratty than submissive, and they can sometimes get carried away with the heat of the moment and ask for more, but it’s important for the scene to be controlled and for the spanker/Dom/Top to reign them in so there’s less room for damage.
It is also possible that you maintain all standards of safety and care and still experience feelings of trauma or witness your partner experiencing flashbacks or showing signs of distress/trauma. In situations like these, it’s best not to aim for total avoidance of trauma flashbacks during sexual interactions and to instead aim for better starting and ending rituals that soothe you and your partners and make it easier for the feelings of trauma to be managed.
For more on navigating trauma memories and flashbacks in the bedroom, stay tuned!